By 

The Gift of Failure


Six years.

“You’ve worked so hard”

“you deserve it, God will bless you ”

“do your best and God will do the rest”

 

So, where have I been?

I  have been here, untangling the knots. Untangling the idea that God’s love means He will carry you to every success. Shaking off  every ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’.

My disease;  these spiritual half truths that reeked of the prosperity gospel, that left me in need of the true physician.

I heard them all so often. Perhaps my failure meant the opposite; that this was my fire and brimstone.

I write to you today, seventh year, not as Dr. Boughdady, but in the knowledge that God loved me so much that He let me fail.

The struggle from bitter to better, from self depreciation to self compassion, that is leading me through a journey of acceptance, so that the image, or who I ought to be, can greet who I really am.

 

“by the grace of God I am what I am” 1 Corinthians 15:10

“One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection” – Henri Nouwen

 


 

To acquire the mind of Christ means to learn to see myself as He sees me. Sometimes, we think that if we beat our chests hard enough, if we beat ourselves up hard enough, it will make us humble. But, the truth is the opposite. The truth is, real humility is actually recognising who we really are. It is the courage to hear a greater Voice call us His beloved, His successful sons and daughters.

Above all else, failure has been a gift; a very revealing gift. Acquiring the mind of Christ means recognising in the mirror the woman who met her suffering with bitterness and despair. I had read many spiritual books about suffering that I expected to wake up joyful the next morning. But this is no synaxarium story. I found that I was not all who I thought I was; “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind” Ephesians 41:4, and that I was literally tossed by this wind.

 

So failure has been a door, a door of repentance, so that He can recreate me from the ashes of this fire.

“we must lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us” – C.S Lewis

Failure helps us shake off the veil of perfection, that we may stand honestly before Him. Failure allows us to grow in compassion for ourselves and for others who are struggling, because we remember how hard things have been for us.

“Joseph was with God and He was successful” has never rang so true, because often we focus on the gift and not the gift-Giver. In the story of the wedding of Canaan we rejoice at the new wine, but we completely miss that in providing the wine Christ was declaring Himself to be the Bridegroom, full-filling the messianic prophesies in Hosea, Songs of Solomon and Isaiah.

If I have the courage to see myself, I will learn to recognise Him in me.

 

If I have the courage to relentlessly stay with Him, to not run from Him, that makes me successful.

 

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Monica
About me

Hi! My name is Monica. I have a bad case of wanderlust, I spend most my time wondering and wandering, Sometimes, because I am lost (a lot of the time) but mostly because I just love the adventure. I believe life really begins at the end of your comfort zone so when I don't spend my time jumping out of planes I use it to take hold of hands and hearts to take others there with me. Though, I spend a lot of time being lost, there there was a time when I was found by the One who was pursuing me relentless, I was found by the One I love .Though, I spend a lot of time travelling there is one place I know I can call home, and it's with Him. I love connecting with people deeply and authentically because my biggest desire is to just understand people, so for me there is almost never an inappropriate time to jump into the deep questions. Maybe it's because I know what It means to be loved regardless of my deepest darkness.To be loved at your darkest, is healing. As a medical student I desire to partake of that healing nature of Christ and be a drop of oil that soothes the wounds of the world. Isaiah 43

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9 Comments

Fr. T
Reply March 30, 2018

Beautiful post. I always look forward to reading this blog and today is no exception. We have unfortunately been infected by the prosperity Gospel and learning the harsh reality that a life with God and a life of worldly success does not necessarily go hand in hand is something we all could stand to learn better. I pray that you continue to cling to the God who loves you as He brings you to greater and greater knowledge of Him.

    Monica
    Reply April 23, 2018

    Thank you so much Father T, your encouragement means a lot! and yes it was honestly a hard pill for me to swallow, but turns out it was medicine. Trusting in His goodness when everything is NOT good, is a very valuable lesson

Kiro Youssef
Reply April 3, 2018

Monica,
Thank you for this beautiful post. It is a very courageous and noble act to share one’s failure with others. I believe that you, as God’s daughter, will get through this. Thank you for sharing Chris’s love in this blog. God continues to teach me through reading the blogs on this website.
Stay Blessed

    Monica
    Reply April 23, 2018

    Thank you so much for the encouragement Kiro! blessed are the cracked, for they let the light in! thanks for being such a dedicated reader

Mary Tadross
Reply April 8, 2018

Wonderful post Mon!

    Monica
    Reply April 23, 2018

    thanks mar mar love you!

Juliana Bibawy
Reply April 9, 2018

Wow, I can’t believe I’m just seeing this now, but Monica you are a beautiful human and are becoming a Proverbs 31 woman. I’m so inspired by you and you deserve only the best. I miss you so much and God bless ❤️

    Monica
    Reply April 23, 2018

    thanks so much juju! you are the most beautiful, inside and out!

ystas
Reply April 23, 2018

this groundbreaking manifesto focuses on the critical school years when parents must learn to allow their children to experience the disappointment and frustration that occur from life s inevitable problems so that they can grow up to be successful, resilient, and self-reliant adults.

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