“The story of Mary of Egypt emphasizes that her prostitution as not a formal one. As the liturgical text puts it in the first person: “For nearly seventeen years I lived as a fire for public depravity but not at all for money. … I wanted to do it and I did it for nothing.” One day she followed male pilgrims to Jerusalem aboard ship from Alexandria, hoping to seduce as many as she could. In Jerusalem she wanted to enter the Church of the Holy Sepulchre on the appointed day for veneration of the Cross but could not, an invisible force seeming to hold her back. Suddenly she was overwhelmed with tears of contrition and began to pray. Returning the next morning, Mary was able to enter the church and venerate the cross. Then she quit the city, crossing the Jordan River with a little bread and a water jug, where she lived as a hermit in the desert caves for forty years.” Benedicta Ward

St Mary of Egypt is a proper example of the transformation of the Christian life because her story didn’t end there; she “struggled with wild beasts, desires and passions” for 17 years out of the 47 years in the desert. May we battle our lust with ferocity in our striving for purity, through repentance, fasting and praying, until we can say with St Mary “a calm and sweet light descended and enlightened me and chased away the thoughts that possessed me.” Transformation through repentance and the sacraments looks more like a journey than a destination. It is not a one-time event but a mode of existence. Even after we experience victory, in the wise words of my spiritual father, may we never cease to “respect our weaknesses” lest we assume that we are less of a prisoner to the same passions.

Lord God, cause my heart, soul, and mind to be so overtaken by Your grace that I share the testimony of the sinful woman who anointed Your feet. You said of her, “I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” (Luke 7:47)

Lord, I willingly admit that I am weak in my natural self. I used to offer the parts of my body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness. I now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. (Romans 6:19)

Lord, Your Word says how I can keep my way pure: by living according to Your Word. I will seek You with all my heart; help me not stray from Your commands. Help me to hide Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You. (Psalm 119:9-11)

Holy God, turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your Word. Take away the disgrace I dread, for Your laws are good. (Psalm 119:37-39)

Lord God, teach me knowledge and good judgment, for I believe in Your commands. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey Your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. (Psalm 119:66-68)

Lord God, guard my course and protect my way as I pursue a righteous, victorious life in You. (Proverbs 2:8)

Lord, help me not despise Your discipline and not to resent Your rebuke, because You discipline those You love. (Proverbs 3:11-12)

Lord God, Your Word says that You bless the home of the righteous, but Your curse is on the house of the wicked. (Proverbs 3:33) Lord, please help me cleanse my home of any kind of materials that support or fuel wickedness. Make this the kind of home You can fully bless.

Lord, help me to keep my eyes looking straight ahead and fix my gaze directly before me. Make level paths for my feet and strengthen me to take only ways that are firm. Help me not to swerve to the right or the left; keep my feet from evil. (Proverbs 4:25-27)

Lord God, help me to guard my heart above all else for it is the wellspring of life. Help me to put away perversity from my mouth and keep corrupt talk far from my lips. (Proverbs 4:23-24)

According to Your Word, a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and You examine all our paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cord of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own folly. (Proverbs 5:21-23)
Lord, self-discipline is a fruit of the Spirit. Please fill me with Your Spirit and empower me with a self-discipline only You can give. (Galatians 5:22-23)

God, please help me to love You with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength for this is Your priority for my life. (Mark 12:30) Help me also to love others so that I will not want to engage them in any kind of dishonoring activity. (Mark 12:31) Break my heart when I even think of doing what is dishonorable, my God, You who had no sin to be sin for me, so that in Him I might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Lord Jesus, Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – help me to think about such things. (Philippians 4:8-9)

Lord God, make me into a pure virgin emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and even set this body apart to be used as an instrument of righteousness from now on. Please help me not to be deceived by the serpent’s cunning and allow my mind to be led astray from my new commitment of sincere and pure devotion to Christ. (2 Corinthians 11:2-3)

Lord, who can say, “I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin?” (Proverbs 20:9) Lord, I am powerless to possess a pure and clean heart on my own. Only You can do it for me. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me…Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. (Psalm 51:10, 12)

Lord, I admit that I reaped absolutely no benefit from the things I am guilty of. Those things result in death. But now that I have been set free, the benefit I am reaping leads to holiness and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:20-23)

Thank you, God, for promising that no temptation has seized me except what is common to man. And You, God, are faithful; You will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. But when I am tempted You will also provide a way out so that I can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Father God, through constant use of the solid food of Your Word, help me to train myself to distinguish good from evil. (Hebrews 5:14)

Lord God, since I have a Great High Priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Your Son, help me hold firmly to the faith I profess. For I do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with my weaknesses, but I have one who has been tempted in every way, just as I am, yet without sin. Help me then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in the time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

Lord of glory, You have a plan for me that no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has conceived. Your Spirit reveals this awesome plan to those who love You. (1 Corinthians 2:9) I acknowledge that Satan’s ploy is to keep me from fulfilling Your plan for my life. Please help me to resist him and overcome his assaults on my life. I want to do Your will, O God.

Lord God, I don’t want to remain a carnal Christian. I want to be a spiritual believer to whom You can speak and through whom You can minister. Please activate the mind of Christ in me daily that I may live in victory. (1 Corinthians 2:16; 3:1)

Lord, help me to rid myself of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like a newborn baby, help me to crave pure spiritual milk, so that I may grow up in my salvation, now that I have tasted that the Lord is good. (1 Peter 2:1-2)

Since I have a Great Priest over the house of God, help me to draw near to You, God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having my heart sprinkled to cleanse me from a guilty conscience and having my body washed with pure water. Help me to hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, for He who promises is faithful. (Hebrews 10:21-23)

I am one of Your chosen people, O God, part of a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that I may declare the praises of You who called me out of darkness into Your wonderful light. I have now received mercy. You urge me as a stranger in this world to abstain from sinful desires, which war against my soul. (1 Peter 2:9-11)

God, You demonstrated Your love for me in that while I was still a sinner, You died for me. (Romans 5:8) Lord, help me to understand that You gave Your life to pay the debt for even the most heinous sins I could have committed. Your grace covers all sin if I will repent and receive.

Lord Jesus, You Yourself bore my sins in Your body on the tree so that I might die to sins and live for righteousness; by Your wounds I have been healed. For I was like a sheep going astray, but now I have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of my soul. (1 Peter 2:24-25)

Lord God, You grant Your incomparably great power to those of us who believe. This same power is the mighty strength You exerted when You raised Christ from the dead. (Ephesians 1:19-20) If You can raise the dead, You have all the power I need to live victoriously over every stronghold!

I have been crucified with You, Christ, and I no longer live, but You live in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in You, the Son of God, who loved me and gave Yourself up for me. (Galatians 2:20)

These prayers are an excerpt from ‘Praying God’s Word’ by Beth Moore.

“You remind me…what I dare not speak of. For when I recall all the dangers which I overcame, and all the violent thoughts which confused me, I am again afraid that they will take possession of me.” 

From a canonical account of St. Mary of Egypt

(Photo courtesy of Evgeny Tchebotarev)

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9).

There are many things to love about the Bible. Aside from the abundant, life-giving Truth that God’s word provides on every page, I’m continually impressed by the conceptual harmony and ideological symmetry of Scripture. As an artist, I appreciate the vast beauty of the Biblical narrative which not only reveals the Creator’s plan and purpose for mankind, but does so via an impossibly well-crafted poetry. I write “impossibly” because, as we know, the text’s wide timespan of origin and varying authorship (around 1500 years and more than 40 writers) is, considering the consistency of the message, some of the best evidence that the Bible could not have been a product of purely human enterprise.

With that down, I’d like to express the thing that I, personally, value most about the Bible; straightforwardness. While the mind of man could never comprehend all that God is, God was gracious enough to inspire dozens of men from various epochs and backgrounds (kings, prophets, doctors, fishermen…) to write down His ideas and intentions in a manner that even the least educated reader could generally grasp.

This brings me back to 1 Corinthians 7:9 and the sometimes awkward subject of lust and marriage.

In today’s Western culture of unchecked, personal expression and market-driven hype, innumerous ideas about sexuality are relentlessly and constantly (I write that literally) being pushed at us while, at the very same time, we are, confoundedly, told that sex is a simple, natural, human act; no big deal. Which one is it? Those of us in the Church often take in God’s revelation within earshot of our increasingly secular society’s contrasting beliefs and typically find the process of reconciling all of this information to be frustratingly impossible because while the Lord’s Word is straightforward, the world’s viewpoints are inconsistent and confusing.

Taking five minutes to watch just about any station on our television will quickly reveal the modern media’s willingness to overtly champion sexual gratification of almost any kind as enjoyably healthy but, on the other end of things, God’s Word has given us a definite context for sexuality. Any of us who matured within the Church were taught, particularly during adolescence, that sexual activity was to be limited to marriage and that those who were able to hold out until their wedding day would not only be doing the right thing, but would be blessed for their efforts.

Therefore, we were instructed that our flesh would have to be subdued with dedicated fury to defeat the world’s aforementioned temptations and reach the promised land of wedded bliss. So, as teenage hormones raged, the battle-lines were drawn and many young Christians took on the foe of fornication with varying results hoping, somehow, to make it to “I do” because, logic would seem to follow, married sex would solve all the problems of lust. After speaking to a number of married Christian men, this does not always seem to be the case.

I have surmised that one of the problems which the pre-nuptial, Christian ‘hold-out’ mentality presents is a feeling that sexual activity of any kind (entertainment choices, mental imagery, physical actions…) is simply a stop-gap solution to help let off steam until the wedding night. For those who are struggling to maintain their purity, it can seem perfectly understandable if they, as individuals who are generally attempting to abstain from sinful conduct, entertain a little indulgence from time to time, especially considering that they’re only doing so because they don’t yet possess a proper outlet for their desires. Plus, some may be so ashamed to discuss their feelings, they deem it safer to deal with these tensions in private and on their own terms rather than seek help and potentially upset or offend their clergy, parents or potential partners.

With these and other obstacles to chastity set into place, some Christians accepted a compromised ethical view of sexuality which allowed them to dabble in certain immorality with the intention of straightening the whole issue out on their honeymoon. If my writing is too vague, I’m basically alleging that a number of Christian men (I don’t feel comfortable speaking for women although I’m confident their story isn’t altogether different) convinced themselves that it was allowable to participate in sexually illicit behavior while they waited for their wives to step onto the scene because, in part, a sinful world had convinced them that they were missing out on all the gratification they deserved. Whether it was pornographic fantasy or actual sexual activity, many believers consistently peeked into a perceived world of forbidden sensuality like a young child gazing up at a rollercoaster he’s too short to ride.

With that image in mind, I believe there’s a serious problem with this entire approach to purity and it speaks to a fundamental misunderstanding about sex. While our sexual desires may have an appetite or anticipatory excitement level, sex is not food or entertainment (or an amusement park attraction) and, unfortunately, many newly-wedded, Christian men found out that they’d developed a hunger that couldn’t be quenched within the intimacy of marriage. In fact, some fell into a deep and unexpected despair when the thought-patterns they’d developed in singlehood didn’t quickly disappear after they put on a ring. It’s likely that they had mistakenly assumed that what they’d stored up in the back of their minds was energy to be exercised on the wedding bed but, in reality, that information was something else entirely. In fact, many had even let themselves delve deeper into licentiousness prior to their wedding because they assumed those illicit, mental images were a problem soon to be solved like those of a severely parched traveler in view of a spring but, again, sex isn’t that simple.

Sex is an Almighty God’s creation and the act, plus everything that comes along with it, is extremely powerful, both physically and psychologically, so it cannot be reappointed and exploited to suit our individual, human ambitions or sate particular attractions. The Creator gave mankind the gift of sex with His purposes in mind so when it is taken out of God’s context and utilized for our own objectives, even well-intentioned ones, sex can be highly damaging, precisely because of its power. Without God’s Lordship over our bedrooms, sex is often put to use with unrealistic and inappropriate aims.

Some may misguidedly employ sex to achieve a sense of validation or positive personal appraisal while others view sex as a means to strength or vitality, manhood if you will. Men’s sexual fantasies often involve women submitting to males who dominate their ladies with cool confidence and physical expertise. Women sometimes take part in sexual acts with hopes of gaining security in their partnerships or to feel valued or desired by a person they love. While many of the reasons listed above reflect a desire for basic human fulfillment, sex was not given to us as a simple outlet to that end; only a personal relationship with God can accomplish this need. And when sex is misappropriated as a means to fulfillment, it eventually leads not only to failure but to gradual, self-destruction because

“Whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

All of this leads me to what I’m ironically calling ‘The Big Solution’; marriage.

One of the problems with any Christian newlywed expecting marital intimacy to counteract the unhealthy and Godless sexual ideas that they’ve cultivated during singlehood is that NO wife or husband could possibly live up to the imaginative, sensual invention of a flesh-driven, human brain. So, because of the eventual disappointment and lack of contentment that naturally occurs when an appetite isn’t satisfied, one partner may begin to resent or blame the other for not meeting their expectations or for failing to make the proper sexual efforts. Even if the frustrated partner recognizes that their own erroneous thinking is responsible for the calamity, he or she will often retreat back into fantasy to deal with the dilemma because, sadly, they assume there’s nowhere else to turn.

Thus, instead of having one terrible problem, they now have two; an unsatisfied appetite and an unhealthy, dishonest and non-connected partnership. In all probability, there will also appear a stinging sense of regret and depression when a Christian discovers, a little too late, that God gave us commandments involving sexual behavior and purity of thought so that our unions could be protected and blessed, not because he was trying to keep us from having a good time. Where does one go from here? Hope may seem lost but, fortunately, we serve a graceful God who specializes in dealing with hopeless, fallen people.

Before I go any further, I should mention that I’m not at all qualified to be teaching or giving out advice (James 3:1 is one of my favorite verses), I much prefer to be analytical about the catastrophic foibles of human behavior and let others clean up the mess. But, I do, in this case, feel comfortable pointing in the direction of the supreme problem-solver, Jesus Christ. I believe that only a close and completely honest relationship with the true and living God of the universe can bridge the gaps and fulfill the desires about which I’m writing and, as always, our pathway to that relationship is Jesus. As all believers will attest, Jesus came to this earth to die on the cross and save us from our sin, but He also lived to be our Lord. He suffered hardships, endured trials and faced temptation so that He could help guide us through this thorny field of landmines we call human existence.

As the scripture reads,

“Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18)

and while Jesus’s sexual battles are not specifically mentioned in the Bible, I confidently assume that He, being a fully fleshed man, faced these challenges like the rest of us. In the desert, the Lord shot down Satan’s overtures, in the garden of Gethsemane, He submitted to the Father’s will and on the cross, He pushed through the unimaginable pain of Sin’s weight; I’m fairly certain that He battled with testosterone as well. We, like our Lord, must also fight the good fight to overcome our flesh.

Whether we like it or not, this is war. Hopefully, we’re all familiar with Biblical passages that instruct us to “flee from lust” (2 Timothy 2:22), “cut off our hands” (Matthew 5:30) and cast out demons “with prayer and fasting” (Matthew 17:21). These verses tell us that the only means to defeating the enemies with which we wrestle are hard work and determination fueled by the grace of Father, the example of the Son and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit. When we seek the Almighty’s guidance for our lives, we quickly find it in both His Word and the teachings of accomplished believers but while the available strategies may be readily accessible, they are often difficult to follow so, like many things Christian, the solutions are simple but not easy.

At some point in your Christian education, you might have been presented with the teaching that sex is like a pleasant fire which heats the marital abode but, as the lesson goes, we must keep the flames in the fireplace (marriage) lest we incinerate our home. This simple object lesson is profoundly true and I would humbly add that wanton carelessness cannot only burn down our own house but entire neighborhoods and towns as the uncontrolled flames of sensuality spread when we’re in contact with others (“How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!” James 3:5) because the unfortunate reality of our situation is that any spark of lust has the potential to become a three-alarm, all-consuming inferno.

First off, we need to be honest with ourselves. The struggles I’m attempting to flesh out (no pun intended) feel inherently private because, generally, they begin with a Godless fantasy which develops inside the quiet recesses of our mind before it festers, mutates and implants itself deep within the psyche so that we are no longer able to distinguish it as a foreign invader. However uncomfortable it may be, we must take a truthful, personal inventory and assess who we are, what we’ve been exposed to and the present condition of our hearts and minds with regard to sex. We will need trustworthy partners in this battle; friends, family, priests, pastors, spiritual mentors and, most importantly, our wives and husbands. We will sometimes struggle to confess certain difficulties to our marriage partners because we don’t want to hurt them or, sadly, give them ammunition to criticize us but even in difficult situations, complete trust and transparency is necessary for healing and revitalization.

In many cases, we have been, for a very long time, pretending that our raging, tempestuously lustful sin is nothing exceptional or unusual and that we’re perfectly capable of managing it without assistance. We may also have had some success convincing ourselves that these actions are not, in any significant fashion, hurting anybody else so, the logic goes, the problem can’t be all that bad. This, of course, is a classic lie and a devious ploy of our enemy because, in truth, if we destroy our own life, we will negatively affect everyone and everything around us.

I’d also like to make clear that when it comes to sex-related pitfalls, I am not merely referring to pornography and fornication. Our adversary uses any and every available device to lure us away from the good things of God, so if we hope to outmaneuver the ‘Father of lies’ and overcome our own sin nature, a compromised thought life will not suffice. As Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi reminds us,

“…whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things (Phil 4:8)”

So, whether we’re listening to music, watching a film, joking around with friends, privately contemplating our own desires or quietly reminiscing about the past, we must be vigilant, mental gatekeepers guarding all the ideas that enter our minds. If we are careless and lazy with regard to mental intake, the destructive and deceitful concepts of the world will slowly seep into our subconscious and, before we realize what we’re thinking, we will have begun to live out concepts and attitudes that will fail us when our Christian lives are on the line. This may sound dramatic but, again, if we are completely honest with ourselves about the type of information that is being relentlessly propagated by Godless forces, we will see no other option than to fortify our souls and cultivate a healthy mindset with regard to sex; our future depends on it.

Now, this all might sound arduous, toilsome and harrowing but, happily, I’m convinced that the good news far outweighs the bad. God has a tremendous blessing for the lives of those who obey Him and wonderful, restorative powers to help return those of us who have strayed back to His path. I am confident that those who make a heartfelt effort to obey the Lord will be graciously provided with God’s strength and aid in large quantity and from every direction. We must never forget that God revealed His wisdom and commandants for our benefit and joy, not to randomly restrict us or keep us from having fun, and when we follow His instructions for any area of our life, we will surely experience the fullness and joy He intended for us.

Numerous, scientific tests and secular surveys have revealed that faithful and dedicated, Christian married people experience a far more satisfying sex-life than most non-Christian couples, this does not surprise me a bit. As someone who has worked in the music and entertainment industry all of my adult life, I’ve witnessed countless individuals sprinting full-speed into anchorless, thrill-seeking, sexual behavior and, as time passed, my observation is that every one of those people who recklessly engaged in a promiscuous and permissive lifestyle wound up at a callow, depressed, directionless and, ironically, pleasure-free endpoint. Not only that, those who made these kinds of choices typically took their spouses and children down with them because even when they begrudgingly curtailed their actions for the sake of family stability, they found themselves unhappily laboring to experience peace or joy in even the most advantageous circumstances. Again, God gave us a better way.

As I stated earlier, I am not qualified to map out the exact steps or best techniques for combatting the difficulties described above so I can only take this discussion so far. However, I will wholeheartedly state that if we are going to experience victory in this struggle, the Church Body (all of us), as a whole, MUST place a special focus on this issue and reach out to those who are battling sexual sin with a humble, grace-driven spirit of love, acceptance, openness and sympathy. This problem will not be going away any time soon and no Christian should have to feel fearful, ashamed or embarrassed to admit to his or her struggles as though this particular sin were especially heinous.

While matters of this sort can be awkward and seemingly humiliating, we must never forget that

“All have sinned and fall short of the glory of the Lord” (Romans 3:23)

Jesus proclaimed

“I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28)

which should remind us that before the eyes of God, every single one of us is guilty of a stonable, lust-related offense and has no right to look down our nose at anyone else. Quite frankly, when it comes to this concern, we desperately need each other’s compassion and empathy, not the traditional, stigma-fueled condemnation and finger-wagging of faux-fundamentalism. Together, we can combine the gifts we’ve all received from the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 12) to strengthen each other and provide guidance and education for those who are vulnerable in this fallen world. And when it comes to those who have already stumbled, we must never forget that it is our Christian duty to help facilitate support and healing to fellow brothers and sisters who are being held down by the weight of this oppressive, Godless force.

This was written by a dear friend.

Tell me your secret: Pornography, I’m still learning to love.

The lonesome curse of the introverted recluse, the unbearable shaming weight of the extroverted socialite: pornography, at its core, is our broken generation’s poor excuse for human love.

Everything around us is different. We weren’t supposed to look like this. In as much as technology has advanced mankind, it has also receded our humanity to an impersonal, self-loathing collective of isolated individualism. We weren’t supposed to look like this. Love wasn’t supposed to look like this. God’s eyes see an unfulfilled generation of victims. Yet, as these victims, we have more reason than ever to hope, to depend on a power far beyond our capacity to fight. As victims of our own circumstance, we have the greatest capacity of all – to make His power manifest through every fragile weakness that composes our form – a fragmented form of a most precious, most lovable and most loved humanity. Being independently broken down as isolated men through our own weaknesses, we are united together by our collective pain for each other, for God we rise and rise, and rise yet again. I have hope. I’m still learning to love.

At the start of it all

There are times when it becomes clear to me that a deeper secret and a darker need, deeper and darker than my shackling habits, is in fact the strongest link in the chains holding me down. It is at the start of it all. Shunning aside every burning pre-pubescent lust, every teenage egoistic urge for admiration, every narrow-minded adult’s desire to express masculinity, there he sits, the small lonely child in my heart, repeatedly demoralized by every manifestation of the pain of his rejection. At times I cannot look into the mirror. I see his green eyes, desperate and teary, insecurely staring into mine. Swiftly, I look away. It isn’t the shame of his glare that I hide from, it’s the fear. Fear that every repressed negative belief about myself is in fact true. Fear that the small, lonesome child inside of me is unloved and well and truly unlovable. Ultimately rejected even by the fantasies that barely uphold themselves, the fragments of lies amount to a firm belief. At times, I avoid even sitting in silence, in prayerful meditation, because all I can hear is the child’s desperate voice, begging to be loved.

He hasn’t met my expectations as the presentable young man he should have become by now, the one he dresses like and acts to be. He’s simple, a feeble soul, with a thorough and shaken vulnerability like no other; broken, seemingly like no other. Broken, so very, very broken. He was only a child when he first saw that one explicit image, yet before he could resolve the anxiety of the trauma, he began to crave it more. It became his most intimate, valued treasure. He owned it. It became my porn. Over the years, at times, through the confusion and the turmoil, a balanced vision seeps through, and the single prayer of the child that lies at the core of my struggles repeats itself – the prayer I subconsciously prayed before I even knew what sex was, before I was even conceived. “Dearest God, please give me a kind, gentle hand to hold, that is all I ever desire.” As a growing man, nothing changed much since the start of it all. Rummaging through the endless pictures and clips, the child within me fantasises about that pure loving hand that now looks so vulgar and warped, yet as a man starving for love, not knowing how to love, I both reluctantly and desperately cling to.

The despair that I often find myself in does not stem from a mere frustration at my repeated failures and my feeble incapacity for self-restraint, because I’m already mature enough to be cognizant of my own shortcomings, of the confines of my strengths. I already know that as a human I cannot be defined as just a creation, or even as an end-product of evolutionary chance, but that I am defined as a true understanding of my desires, emotions and ambitions, restricted equally by both reality and self-control. But that’s not it, though. There’s more and I know it. Deep down, I know that there’s a difference. This shakes me at the core of my existence. Not only do I find my deepest and strongest intrinsic drive for expressing human affection, passion and love unexpressed, I find it compulsively expressed towards a lie. I knowingly break off fragments of my valuable heart and hand it over to a phantom, only to see it fall through the formless illusion and hit the ground, dying and unfixable. I rock to and fro between the two extremes of conviction – passionately embracing the pseudo-love because it numbs the emptiness, then retracting back to the true emptiness, woefully regretting my indulgence that left me emptier than before. Past my bold masculinity and the insensitive jesting, past the hoarse-voiced laughter and the aggressive ambition, there’s a fragility that goes untouched for deathly fear of being destroyed. There’s an overprotected intimacy, spoilt rotten by the ever-fulfilled delusional need to be silent, to be cocooned in a mind that is far too afraid to be revealed.

And the cycles begin, the painful patterns that I draw in my mind. Like rivers flowing through the valleys collapsing into the ocean to their demise, the variety of reasons pave their way through the valleys of my thoughts eventually gravitating to the single pool of demise – a pornographic ocean. A vast, vast solution to every rejection, every worry, every anger, every hunger and every isolation of experience. Too thirsty to even believe in freshwater reserves – in a holy, fulfilling and fulfilled sexuality – I’m allured by the ocean that provides its illusive worth of an unquenching mass of water, it leaves me even drier and thirstier that before. And I hate it, I hate myself for allowing it to make me what it made me.

I hear the people sing, ‘no man is an island’, yet in maturing I became the dictator of the island of my mind, I drove out the interpersonal society that began to flourish inside of me and I pushed away the edifying exterior influences that should have thrived within. Soon, I became that very island that no man can survive as. I became a man on my own terms, I became a man on my own, nothing more than an aged, shielded iteration of that terrified child inside. The child that is far too terrified to risk the pain of rejection that comes in its infinite forms and retracted deep inside your heart since the start of it all. “The evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing” (Rom 7:19). If it doesn’t even make sense to myself, how can I expect it to make sense to anyone else if I was to ever tell them? So I hide it. What kind of a Christian, deacon, fiancé, husband, lover and father can look like I do? So I hide it from my family, from my friends, from my relationships, but I cannot hide it from God, so I hide myself from God entirely…

Recycling the cycles of guilt and pain

The first stage of dealing with my guilt, is embracing my problem for what it truly is. For that reason, I have referred to pornography as my porn. It is mine. As I child I owned it as my dark, vile treasure, now I own it as the very key to my liberation. My porn is both the chains holding me down, and the means through which my chains will be broken through the loving grace of God. He says that the truth will set me free. My ownership is that truth. His unfailing acceptance is that truth. My liberation from guilt is that truth. My honesty is that truth that will set me free. Henri Nouwen says,

“Self-realization…is the growing ability to allow the dark side of our personality to enter into our awareness and thus prevent a one sided life in which only that which is presentable to the outside world is considered as a real part of ourselves. To come to an inner unity, totality and wholeness, every part of our self should be accepted and integrated. Christ represents the light in us. But Christ was crucified between two murderers and we cannot deny them, and certainly not the murderers who live in us.”

As with most painful experiences in our lives, once we learn to look past the suffering, an opportunity for compassion arises. God leverages our suffering, even that which is self-inflicted, to open up our hearts to a greater absolute truth – that humanity shares an overpowering need to be loved. I have always wondered why we need to be loved, why we need to give love and to make it. God’s image, our very selves, reflect His same passion in giving and receiving back from us, that which is given to us of Himself. That is God within us. That is God in others, which is in so much need for expression. The hours of suffering that follow the hours spent with my porn are incredibly dark, but they are a dark window opening my heart to the sleepless night of pain of those around me. I hear the words of the Psalmist, “Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth…The ploughers ploughed on my back; they made their furrows long” (Ps 129:2-3). Oh, how they’ve made their furrows in me so very, very long.

In the same way that porn is the lustful sugar-coating to my deep need for love, those around me that seek to fulfil their own need for intimacy and love colour their own hunger in a rainbow of expression. As my brother who I love, I invite you to take that silent heaviness as a moment of heartfelt, powerful prayer lifted up out of your own pain for the widespread suffering of the world. Lift up a prayer. For the girl you once loved, who out of a desperate, frantic need for validation, preferred to be lusted over and fantasised about than to subdue to the terrifying risk of her commitment to you. For your friend who it pains you to see dressing and acting provocatively to entice men through her seemingly immoral desire for sex, who deep beneath her wanting, lustrous eyes, an aching sadness and a begging for acceptance is buried. For your closest friend, who amidst the heavy bitterness and the disheartening complications of his soul, couldn’t find it in himself to even smile at your success. For your aggressive friend, who rages and furiously seeks out his own, yet only rages for and furiously seeks out a deeper conviction that he is worth loving. For your father who couldn’t love you, who, because of his misunderstanding of your adolescent pseudo-resentment towards him, lost the capacity to love himself and lost faith in the very value of his own fatherhood. For your bitter and discontented grandfather, who through the years, lost little-by-little the very love he spent his life building his heart upon. Feel their pain and forgive, “for they do not know what they do” (‭Luke‬ ‭23‬:‭34‬). They do not know how much hurt their pain has caused. Feel their pain my brother, that is the same pain that you hide behind your smile. Only in our darkest hours, can we see that we’re so very broken too and our hearts become ever kinder by the searing pain. ‘When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become,’ Henri Nouwen.

Pray for the deceptively seductive rainbow of pain arching over the world, for you are no more than a fragment of the brokenness of this earth and our porn is the explicit visual realisation of that same reality.

This is the glorious blessing that your porn can bring once you embrace it as a warped definition of your humanity, as your deep and great capacity for love, as misdirected as it may be. It hurts only because you are so loving, so affectionate, and so caring – it hurts because it makes you see how truly isolated and closed off you are.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

It’s time to share. But first, learn to forgive yourself. It isn’t your fault that your heart became so enslaved in these sexual perversions. Your fluctuating cravings and indulgences don’t change the truth about yourself. You’re still that pure child your mother raised you to be, the one who she taught absolute and unconditional respect for women. You’re still the protective brother who loves and respects every inch of his sister’s femininity and virtue. You are not your struggle. You are loved by God so incredibly deeply, not on the condition of an unfaltering purity, but by nature of your existence and for your persistent desire to return to Him, your Father, clothed in rags, smelling of swine, yet still the most valued, most precious, most beloved little child. ‘God said “Love Your Enemy,” and I obeyed Him and loved myself’ (Khalil Gibran). He says, “Yet I have set My King On My holy hill of Zion” (‭Ps‬ ‭2‬:‭6‬). On Christ you are established, “a city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden” (‭Mat‬ ‭5‬:‭14). Your light cannot be hidden. Though the hilltop lamp may flicker and be put out by the wind, “a smoking flax He will not quench” (‭Mat‬ ‭12‬:‭20‬). There is still hope in you. There is always hope in you. Forgive yourself and learn to love yourself as deeply as you are loved. You deserve far more than the self-loathing that only you impose on yourself. Listen to his voice “for the Father Himself loves you” (‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭27)‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬.

“But if you are a poor creature…- straddled, by no choice of your own, by some loathsome sexual perversion – nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex…do not despair. He knows about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap heap and give you a new one.”
C. S. Lewis

Sharing is caring

“But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head” (‭Psalms‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬). My glory is in God’s acceptance and protection, not in my own capacity to keep myself pure. There is no shame, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (‭I John‬ ‭4‬:‭18‬). On your journey learning to love a wholesome, perfect love, begin by letting go of your fears to let that love inside and to allow it to flourish through its ever-transparent and honest vulnerability. “It’s not easy. Fear will tell us all the many reasons not to share, all the reasons why we should hide. It is a scary thing to take your darkness and expose it, because what if no one accepts our dark? I’ve learned not to be afraid, not to be afraid firstly of my own dark, and not to be afraid of other people’s. Never forget the truth that you are more. You are more than your worst mistake. You are more than your shame. These words of your weakness don’t define you.” (Makrina)

By learning to be vulnerable, I’m learning to love. I’m learning to hand over to my fellow man, the depths of my fear and the dark reason for my inability to truly love.

Usually, it isn’t our own flaws that we present to others that repel them away, it’s the flaws that we desperately try to hide from them which creep out during our interactions with them that repulse them. It’s the masks we put on that we try to deceive them with that drive them further away from us. Unravelling the truth of our own weakness is never as abhorrent as unravelling the lie that hid it away.

Let him out

Once I came to the conclusion that my porn is my own, that it does not define me, that it’s a desperate expression to fill the love-less, isolated void in my heart and that sharing is the key to filling my void, and ultimately, my freedom, then came the time for inner resolution.

Call him out. Call out the terrified green-eyed child inside your heart and let him heal in Sun of Righteousness. Call him out and comfort him. With a gentle, newly-found understanding teach him little-by-little that love is not in the shadows, it is not his shameful, dirty secret, it is not a wasted fantasy, but a loud and sacrificial truth. Teach him to speak of his own pain and struggle, teach him that his vulnerability empowers his loved ones to feel liberated in their own struggles, to allow them to feel the pain that we all share as a broken humanity without fear of shame. When he’s hurting, teach him to hear His Father’s words,

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you” (Jer 31:3). Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool (Isa 1:18). I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance (Luke 5:32). I have come for you, my broken, hurting child. I have come so that you do not have to live as an island – isolated, ever-retracting and self-loathing.”

And the healing child inside you can reply,

“I am dark, but lovely (Songs 1:5). Why should I be as one who veils herself? (Songs 1:7) The king has brought me into his chambers (Songs 1:4). I’m healing by my shedding. I’m becoming vulnerable to become intimate. For God, I will rise, and rise, and rise yet again. Pornography, my chains and the key to unleashing my chains, I’m still learning to love.”

As for me, you may ask who I am. I am your dark past and your hopeful future. I am your father and you mother, who did not know how to teach you to love when you recoiled to the safety of your porn. I am your friend who you waited long for to hear my secret so that you can tell me yours, and that we can both grow in love and be free from our pain. I am your brother who was too anxious to give to you the gift of your own liberation. I am your future self – the loving husband who can be as honest about his weakness as he is about his strengths. I am your future self – the vulnerable and caring father telling his children about his struggles with porn, helping them learn themselves to love, to open up and to share their pain. In our shared pain, I am an embodiment of your hope.

I am a fragmented form of a most precious, most lovable and most loved humanity.

Pornography, I’m still learning to love.

I liked it so much, I kissed many. I never believed in considering future consequences, only the here and now, only in the moment where my body lusted and craved another.

I believed in hedonism.

I was a lover of a sugar-coated world, biting deep enough to reach the salt beneath; left parched and bereft. But when invited to dine with the Divine, I counted up the cost and I conceded that He was worth it all. Because when you see the light, darkness doesn’t stand a chance. When you see the light, you cannot deny its existence.

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined.”
Isaiah 9:2

We tend towards hiding our not-so-pure stories, locking them deep into caskets that no one may see or hear. We profess forgiveness like we do breathing, yet shame whispers “tell no one” and we trust its every word. In a community amongst those who testify to the living Word, Who is pure and holy, Who calls us to be as He is, we feel there is no room for our stories of grace. We see the awe in people’s eyes as they intently listen to testimony after testimony, whilst observing how the same story-tellers are not trusted, always on trial. So we sit in silence, hear stories like ours being called a disgrace, bite our tongues as people express the need to marry only a “pure” spouse.

Yet, forgiveness does not beckon silence. And grace does not hide away our past sins. Rather it holds each thorn up to the light and transforms them into pure white lilies, with each petal holding a unique story, not to be forgotten, lest the power of grace be forgotten.

There’s a woman whose story I know well. Or perhaps, it is she that knows mine. A nameless woman, yet not a faceless one, for I have seen her face countless times when I’ve looked in the mirror. The courageous woman on the sixth hour of Wednesday eve.

She can see the Man she came for. She had heard that Christ had come to the house of the Pharisee. It was not too late to turn around, forget it all, save looking foolish, call it a moment of insanity. Yet, despite any doubt, she feels her feet carry her forward. Ardent, panting and perspiring, she makes her way to the large inner chamber of the banquet weaving through all the people. She does not dare look up. She can feel the heat of their burning disproval on the back of her neck. She hears the steady hum of conversation dwindle to hushed tones of disgust and scandal as they recognise her. People are moving a safe distance away from her. She pays them no mind, her eyes locked on this one Man. She had boldly chased after many men, but none like this. The room is silent now as they realise Who she came for. Does she really have the audacity to come before this righteous Man who claims to be God?

She walks forward, with one thing in mind. Sharp inhale. She stops right in front of him. Without lifting her eyes from the ground, she quietly and slowly kneels and lets down her hair. Memories flash before her of all those nights she used her hair as a snare to seduce, remembering all those fingers that ran wild and passionately through them. Her vision blurs as her eyes pour. Thick, heavy droplets of regret fall to His feet. She remembers the words spoken to her, how it was always her eyes that drew them in and held them captive, possessing their own alluring power. The eyes that stained her life with sin, now moistened His feet.

She stammers. With no words to say she does the only thing she could; she washes His feet. She takes her trembling hands, the same vessels that fed the pleasures of men, cups His feet and holds the thick strands of her locks to wipe them. She wonders if she has crossed a line, but He does not stop her or move away. She was accustomed to desiring men, but never desiring their forgiveness.

She takes her lips, lips that eagerly sought and caressed bare flesh, and kisses His feet. The room breaks out in shock; horror and objections ring loud in the room. An exchange of mutterings, naming her immoral, worthless and irreverent. She feels Him staring at her but she feels no fear and no shame. The others see Him staring at her, in a way they haven’t seen Him stare before. His eyes glisten, there is warmth. She knows how it feels to be stared at by a man, a ravaging stare full of fervent desire, but this was not the same. She feels Him look right through her. She is known, for the first time.

She pulls out her alabaster flask, her costly jar of sensual pleasure used to arose her lovers. The memories race, the images flash. She forcefully pushes them away as she breaks the alabaster flask. Her tears mingle with perfume and she continues to wipe with her hair. She kisses and pours; impure lips become holy. The beautiful fragrance rises. He does not speak but she feels His radiating, pure love. She feels something unexplainable she has never known before. Is this acceptance? Is this what it means to belong? She lifts up her head, looks Him in the eye, and she knows; nothing will ever be the same.

Luke 7 has its ending, but I’ve always wondered what happens next. I think of her departure to her normal life after being told that she was forgiven and loved. I think of how she must have replayed that moment over and over again in her head, how she must have wanted to tell everyone, scream and dance because of how light she felt and how her heart must have burst with joy. That cherished moment she shared with Her Saviour will forever be theirs. I also think of the men who must have knocked on her door that night. All those men that kept knocking because they never believed that she could change. I think of years of learnt behaviour that was like second nature and all she saw from her former life when she closed her eyes to pray. I think of her walking back into her bedroom, those four walls that contained all her unchaste amorous nights, and trying to pray. To rise in the place that she fell.

For, redemption is no passive, tidy ideology. Redemption is real and redemption is messy, it is as messy as sweat and a bloody cross. And it is on that same cross that the proclamation was made, “Tetelestai,” confirming the end, it is finished, it is done. No need to walk with head hanging low, shame raised high, but walk joyously in the light. The light that beckons every soul; those who have given in to every single fleshly desire and all those who haven’t. Because the Light does not differentiate, it infiltrates every darkness; and darkness has no measure. It is that same Light that looks upon us with the eyes of compassion and gives us the assurance that,

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”
Romans 8:1

Our belief in this truth is dependent solely on ourselves and not in other peoples responses to our former life, our own thoughts or the enemies lies. Our remembrance of our sexual sin can be crippling. We may be crippled by the way we once behaved; disregarding the holy in ourselves and in others. We may be crippled by the fear of falling back into old ways, and the fear of being too marred in the eyes of another. The taste of sexual pleasure is not an easy one to forget, and we may fear our longing for that same gratification. We may be haunted by the words spoken once on dark nights, or the daily glances that remind us of the power we possess. It is a life-long battle to fight, whilst holding tight to the truth that there is now no condemnation, and expectantly praying, “According to your good will, O God fill our hearts with your peace. Cleanse us from all blemish, all guile, all hypocrisy, all malice and the remembrance of evil entailing death” (The Liturgy According to St Basil the Great).

And as we pray this, may we approach the Eucharist, His own flesh and blood, just as the woman approached Him, offering every piece of herself at His feet, broken like the alabaster jar. She recognised Him not as an ordinary man but as her Saviour, yet we often approach Him as mere bread and wine, blind to the Majesty that pours Himself out before us. Let us walk repentantly, with fear and trembling, towards the Holy One and partake of the exchange of life that He offers, no matter what sin we laid with the night before, knowing that His love grants us the audacity to approach Him with confidence and being rooted in His Life, the mystical power to flee all other lovers.

So I will not be afraid to speak of my past sin, the desire of sin on skin, the Edenic memory of Adam and Eve’s freedom in expression and pleasure corrupted and abused. Because, this I know, forgiveness and freedom is mine, and though I am a woman of unclean lips, as my lips touch His feet, there is redemption’s tale to tell.

Let the fragrance rise.

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth with it, and said:
“Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged.”
Isaiah 6:6-7

This body
My body
A swift sword
A time bomb
Ticking
Cutting

This soft skin that curves around me
That frames and encompasses me
I have seen its unsurpassed powers
I have tasted its intoxication
Eyes wide open
To its irresistible magic

Hard to forget
Its delicious sweet nectar
Dripping subtle, potent poison
This body
Is not a body
But a weapon

Of charm and deceit
Of self seeking ambition
I waste in admiration and affirmation
I glory in attention and adoration
I am a queen
Fluent in Sensuality’s language

The power euphoric
The formula, tried and tested
A gaze and a flutter of the eyes
The control to summon and cast away
The siren song that calls your name
To shipwreck on the stones

And I howl
“Come, I will take away your pain”
To those that pant for it gladly
Like a dark mist
Leaving corpses rotten and defiled
Asphyxiating all breath, all life

So I numbed all feeling
Revelled in my conquer and rule
Sank my feet in my reckless storm
This body
Is just a body
Empty, hollow and cold

The more it consumes
The more it seeks to devour
This body is flames
A trail of dust in its wake
Nothing it touches will escape
Nothing is left standing

Least of all myself
This body is foreign
I do not want it
So I hide and cover it
Who can free me
From this body of death?

A stranger in this body of death
Dismembered from my lifeless soul
I feel my body’s betrayal
Under a man’s unrelenting gaze
I feel the poison flood my veins again
When their heads turn

I am reminded of the queen I could be
The thrill of control
I feel the rumbling and the stirring
Threatening to take over
Seduction is awakening
She is hungry from her slumber

But I will deprive her
Lay her down in silent, painful death
Bind her in burial cloths and dig a grave
Roll a boulder in front of the entrance
Scream TETELESTAI
For indeed, it is finished

Because I am not poison, I am not sword
And I wait on a promise like a thread
Keeping me from fraying at the edges
Of the God who calls out to dry bones
Giving life to sinew after sinew
The God who never fails those who wait

The God who wore humanity’s chains
To shatter our every chain
The God who rolls heavy stones away from tombs
And raises from the dead
The God who puts heavy stones down out of your hand
And says, “Live loved”

In truth, I believe that in Him
All the old has passed away
In the Spirt
I am finally liberated
The Veil torn
My face unveiled

He steps into my tomb
And when I look Him in the eyes
I see myself
He tells me who I am
Not thorn but Lily
He tells me Rise and live

I believe, help my unbelief.

Co-written with Sandra.

These words are for the women who are too afraid to speak out; you are not alone.

Silence is deadly. To let silence speak, is to let our souls fester. And festering souls are no resting place for the Presence of Him who is holy.

As women we oft evade His presence, fleeing the present moment. Our minds are wanderers into the future, intricately creating fantasy after fantasy, convincing ourselves that it is acceptable. We tell ourselves that our thoughts dishonor no man, and a thought is not sinful unless it leaves the confines of our mind and enters into reality.

Even the essence of our thoughts don’t seem to be always sinful, since they are not always sexual.

For hours we can ponder a life with that friend or stranger, how beautiful our babies could be and how good a lover he is bound to be. Within a minute, we are world-heroes, world-travellers and we have dated 5 different men.

In the words of Natasha Bedingfield,

“Trust me it would scare you
if you knew what was goin’ on in my brain
Trust me it would scare you
that I’ve picked out the church all the schools all the names…”

A day in a woman’s brain, would, most definitely, scare you.

St Isaac the Syrian said that it is a “greater miracle that a man can see his true self than the raising of the dead.” There is no light in our silence, there is light only in our truth. Our every attempt of denial, and our refusal to name our fantasies – lust – is to neglect truth. And the truth is, lust does not only take form in sexual fantasy.

As creatures of pleasure, lust is rooted in the thrill, of not only what may be forbidden, but what is not ours. Lust is not to be tamed, negotiated or bargained with; our minds and desires constantly rush ahead, racing to the next thought even as the current one is being consummated – all in pursuit of pleasure’s elusive satisfaction. A thought never remains as a single thought. It is an ever increasing drive for an ever diminishing pleasure. Lust will always keep you longer than you intended, drag you further than you anticipated and take more than you were willing to give. It plays for keeps.

Lust is the hours spent inside our own minds in uncontrollable imagination over any desire.

Lust is the fantasies we create to appease our emotional comfort, whether from the opposite sex or the same sex; even if our fantasies do not involve physical intimacy. Like the fantasy of a man stopping us from boarding a plane at the last minute to declare His undying love with roses, a box of love letters he’s been secretly writing for years and a song he wrote and composed just for us. But to live in a daydream is to live in a spirit of discontentment. As harmless as it may seem, we set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations that no man can measure up to and we waste the chance of taking moments seeking the God of all comforts in this dry, parched land.

Lust is an escape, a mechanism to cope with the realities where we feel stressed, inadequate, undesirable, bored or rejected; we turn to fantasy instead of seeking adventure and relief for our burdens in the only One who can promise pleasures forevermore.

Lust is a lack of trust that God is always good and we are always loved. It is the Isrealties, longing for the food in Egypt where they were slaves instead of having faith that the manna is enough and it could abound in sustaining their every need. It is determining that you know better, and this manna is not the best, so you take matters in to your own hands.

Lust is the time spent thinking of the ways you desire to be sexually intimate with a man; it is intimacy’s empty well, leaving you perpetually hungry for much more. It is the devil’s deceitful whispers that this is the God who deprives, demands impossible things and who takes away everything. Yet we must “consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls” for “unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.” Lust plunders and ravages our life, yet Lust has never forgiven us; it never took nails in its wrists. So while Christ may ask of us our lives, He sacrificed His first. What is surrendered to Him is never lost.

Lust takes the form of gluttony; it is the continual greed for excess and in this world of excess, I am the king. Centered on what I have set my heart on, what I feel I deserve or what I believe I am entitled to; I neglect to cast my anchor down to the faithfulness of my Living Hope and re-center on Him, the true King. Though we exchange ourselves for God, He exchanged Himself for us, for our freedom from death.

Our lustful thoughts come so naturally, that to fight them strikes against our very comfort. The mind is a fierce battle ground and we are besieged. Lustful thoughts are a never-ending attack but in our control is the decision to fight. And this fight cannot be of our own strength, but through the strength and grace of Christ.

Resolved to stand firm, we must not numb the pain for “we have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin”(Hebrews12:4). Paul instructs us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17), for a mind that ruminates and fixates on its own desires and pleasures in fantasy, is a mind that ceases to pray.

“Why do demons wish to excite in us gluttony, fornication, greed, anger, rancour and other passions? So that the mind, under their weight, should be unable to pray as it ought; for when the passions of our irrational part begin to act, they prevent the mind from acting rationally.”
– St. Nilus of Sinai

Paul exhorts us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5), so however captivating the fantasy let us capture it in the net of His grace and “whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things”(Philippians 4:8).

So I must test my thoughts, assess each one, to find that which is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, of virtue and praiseworthy. But I know those thoughts are often few, and the reality is, pleasure drives my mind. As the disciples slept in Gethsemane, Jesus spoke to them,

“Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Matthew 26:41

Our spirits are willing, but our fleshy selves are weak, insatiable beggars. If a mind is not in prayer, it can reach anywhere, jump half-way across the world in pursuit of its favourite damp and musky prison cell of sin. “Watch,” He says; to be vigilant over the workings of our minds and the thoughts that walk through them. Watch, here and now because Christ’s presence is in the present. How will we respond to the knowledge of soul-festering thoughts? Will we let lust take home in our inner crevices? Will we expose those thoughts to the light and let prayer be our saving fortress?

Thoughts creep in more swiftly than they creep out. It is not with gentleness that they can be eradicated “for the kingdom of heaven suffers violence and the violent take it by force,” but with consistent vigilance and prayer. We need hearts ready for the fight, confessing a festering-soul state and a need for One who is merciful. Many who have gone before us prayed incessantly,

“Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy upon me a sinner.”

Humility is a realisation that we need to call upon the name of Jesus as often as we breath. Prayer builds the walls of Jerusalem in our hearts and minds and cements them until the stones cry out for our Saviour. Our minds cannot run empty, there is no moment where we are completely thoughtless, so this prayer recited habitually becomes grafted in our minds, replacing our lustful thoughts. We do not deprive but substitute. Because, every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I do not bow to God, I’ll bow down before something else. A prayer of the heart ushers us into reality. A reality where I must meet and accept who I am at this present moment. In a place where we can say with St Paul, “by the grace of God I am what I am.” A reality that has the stillness of heart to listen to His fantasies for me, and not my own. “As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

To pray unceasingly is to be in Christ. It is a sign of death of the flesh, a death to my will and a release of His Spirit in me.

In Him, I am white as snow, even if I stumble 7 times a day (or every minute.) If I cling to remember God’s mercy and this truth, that I am clean then I will be ever more cautious. For the clean can not tolerate a blemish. But if I let the accuser tell me I am the sum of my unrestrained thoughts, then I will become lazy, apathetic and slacken my efforts, for what is one more speck of dirt smeared on a canvas of black? Yet, you and I, we are canvases of lily white, washed in the blood of the Lamb, for He has “swept away your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like a mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you” (Isaiah 44:22).

“Return,” He pleads. Must He wait much longer? Must I leave Him pleading? I thirst for lust, yet He thirsts for me.

There is hope. We are not alone, for He has not left us alone. Our eternal Rock; He is our motivation to be pure as He is, and our grace when we fall. 
So when my hand slips out of His, a thought wastes in me hours and I depart from prayer; I will take the hand of grace and rise again. I will take His hand though my hands are dirty, my wounds still bleed, my heart still fears and the shackles lying on the ground do not look as bad as they once were.

We cannot lie to ourselves and the world any longer; lust is not just every man’s battle, it is also every woman’s battle.

I will choose truth over silence.

May His love that is better than life satisfy our deep hearts.
May it purge away all lesser loves as fire to the dross.
May His presence be our joy, treasure and delight.
May you face the truth of your own darkness and call sin out for what it is.
May we fight for our purity together as we learn to be seized by a greater Affection,

In the Light…

Co-written with Sandra and Monica.

“you carry your snare everywhere and spread your nets in all places. You allege that you never invite others to sin. You did not indeed by your words, but you have done so by our dress and your department… When you have made another sin in his heart how can you be innocent? Tell me, whom does the world condemn? Whom do judges punish? Those who drink the poison or those who administer the fatal portion? You have prepared the abominable cup, you have given the death dealing drink, and you are more criminal than those who poison the body; you murder not the body but the soul. And it is not to enemies you do this nor are you urged on by any imaginary necessity, nor provoked by injury, but of foolish vanity and pride.”
St John Chrysostom

Distressed by this perilous power, possessed by us, the carriers of the XX chromosome. A strategic power we oft deny, secretly delighting in its effects.

Because the truth is, we notice a man’s affection, we notice when we are the object of any mans attention. We are not blind, hard-hearted machines that are immune to any form of charm or attraction. A sweet-talking man is a sweet-talking man, as Antarctica summer’s are cold.

And this power I observe upon the consumption of attention and words of affirmation. This power that devours the lustful thoughts of man, intertwined with my deep longing to be the object of man’s affection. This power, a sexual upper hand, knowing that a move in this direction, or a certain look, will hold him captive; reeling the subject around my finger. A power all too often used to seduce and manipulate.

Because no matter where you look, there it is, leaving an undeniable impression; the sultry expression on youthful faces, the come-get-me eyes, the flirtatious words and the promiscuous dress code.

And don’t we all desire to be found appealing? At the surface it is the perfect “subtle” manner to receive that mans’ attention, but at its core, it is the thirst for the alluring power of control.

Though this power be strong, it is hollow, obliterating Truth, and holds the captivators captive.

We only ever hear of men, how supposedly, men hurt, cheat and lie. How men are lustful beings, unable to control their desires. But oft I find that it is we, we who possess this XX chromosome, who are unable to control; we are the merciless perpetrators, with men as our prey.

Because with this power comes control, the control of having him at my feet.

So I take mine to Him. I open His word and as a mirror I see a portrait of my flaunting and enticing behaviour.

She “captures him with her eyelashes, luring him with just a look”

Proverbs 6:25

The words tug and snag and I pull. She is I. I read on and the picture comes into focus and sharpens.

“And behold, a woman comes to meet him, dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart. She is boisterous and rebellious, her feet do not remain at home; She is now in the streets, now in the squares, and lurks by every corner. So she seizes him and kisses him and with a brazen face she (speaks) to him . . .”

Proverbs 7:10-13.

What will be the grand result of my actions? Will I take the world by storm or will I be dashed to pieces on the rocks of deception?

“Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths; For she has cast down many wounded, And all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, Descending to the chambers of death.”
Proverbs 7:25-27

With power comes a choice. Under the influence of a woman, cities have crumbled (Joshua 2-6), and kings have caved (Mark 6).

When we travel to the start the truth is laid bare.

“The man called his wife’s name Eve [life giver], because she would be the mother of all the living.”

Genesis 3:20

A woman was created not by accident or chance but with purpose: born to be a helper. A name, an identity, a declaration is given. To be an echo of Christ instead of echoing the world. To encourage and uplift men like many women have done before us.

Feminine beauty was never about radiating sensuality but radiating an aroma of the stunning beauty of Christ, a breath of fresh air…of life.

“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”

Romans 14:19.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss says, “If our hearts are right with God—if we’re walking in purity and humility before Him—the fruit will be a modest external appearance.”

With great power, comes great responsibility. We can reach out to others, spread truth, and encourage the lives around us. This means we have great power. And along with that great power, we are also given the great responsibility to use it wisely.

May we never allow our outward beauty to diminish the beauty He is weaving within our soul.

May we run with hoarse throats, exhausted lungs, and full hearts proclaiming the glorious loveliness of Jesus Christ and not with banners of our own loveliness.

So draw if we must, but let us draw others shamelessly to Beauty Himself.

“How beautiful are the arms, which have embraced Christ-the eyes which have gazed upon Christ, the lips which have spoken with Christ, the feet which have followed Christ. How beautiful are the hands which have worked the works of Christ, the feet which are treading in His footsteps have gone about doing good, the lips which have spread abroad His Name, the lives which have been counted for Him.”
Christina Rosetti

Co-written with Sandra.

I know how much you strive to be one who delights to do God’s will because you store up His words in your heart. I know how much you strive to love Him and want to be made like Him, shining forth as the sun in His kingdom. These things I know.

But there are things I do not know. I can’t pretend like I understand your life-long struggle with sexual sin because even my earnest attempts will never comprehend the intensity of that reality. I know the full extent of the pain of my own struggles but I will never know yours. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the world must make you feel that sometimes you don’t really stand a chance. I’m sorry if there was that one time at your friend’s house when you were introduced to something you shouldn’t have seen. I’m sorry for the images that are everywhere; on the streets, on the TV, in the newspapers, that you have to fight daily. I know you are fighting with all you have for purity. I’m sorry you’re not only surrounded by all this temptation but that to indulge in all the cheap imitations of sex is not just normal, it’s encouraged. And I’m sorry that if you’re not being told to indulge, you’re being told that these desires make you some sort of pervert or animal. They are God-given and a good gift from above.

I don’t mean to throw you a pity party because for every look we take at ourselves we need to take ten looks at Christ on the cross. Look until the weight falls from your back. Look until the fears are quieted by His faithfulness, despite our unfaithfulness. Look until the shame begins to crack. Look until you’re reminded of how it’s through His mercies that we’re not consumed. Look until you see that His compassions fail not and are new every morning. Look until you put your trust under the shadow of His wings. Look until you know that not for a moment have you walked through this alone. Look until you realize that though we are weak and fragile jars of clay, it is the treasure of Him in us that shows the surpassing power is from God and not us in our victories. Our eyes must remain fixed on Him to provide our needs in due season. He does not forget theworks of His hands. There is hope to change.

I’ve been told that when we dwell on the beauty and power of Christ, the things of this Earth grow strangely dim in the light of His glory. I’ve been told that the power of resurrection through death on the cross can shatter sin. I’ve been told that the wonder of who Christ is and what He has done for us can capture and captivate a soul enough so that fascination with Him leads to worship at His throne – where we find fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. That’s what I’m trying to do with the things that I love that I know God hates. Some days I win. Other days I loose. But His death on the cross frees us to struggle for we are no longer under condemnation! And no matter how many years the war wages on; it will be nothing compared to eternity where the delight of those who behold the indescribable beauty of God’s countenance is boundless.

Forgive me for bringing this up. I know how much vulnerability hurts. But though I may never have met you I care about you too much to just let you be taken captive of this silent addiction. You deserve a friend who will encourage you on your walk with God. You deserve a friend who will work to protect your purity. You deserve a friend who will respect you and encourage you to follow your dreams, and spurr you on to that one dream of being holy as He is holy. You deserve a friend who despite your past will tell you about who you really are – as one who is redeemed. Do not settle for anything less than absolute freedom. Who the Son sets free He is free indeed. You deserve a relationship with God that is not just above average but is extraordinary – not by yourmight but by His grace – and you deserve to have nothing hold you back from that treasure. I want you to know, I’ve prayed for you. And I’m praying for you everyday that you would grow in Him as an oak of righteousness. We all fall short. We are all sinners in desperate need of the change that only comes through His forgiveness and blood. Thank God it’s offered freely for all who come and ask. Let us be beggars for this. Let us hold our hands out daily to God for His grace.

St. Augustine defines sin, as disordered love. If you desire anything more than God, you will naturally place other things above pleasing God and following His commands when there is a conflict of desires. So, our sins become a question of loving and prizing God as first importance. But here’s what I’m learning. God’s love always wins. We love God because He loves us first and it’s His sacrificial,selfless love that invites us to come and love Him and teaches us how. In any wrestle, His love always wins. We just have to stay in the fight. The thing that matters to God is the struggle. As long as we keep struggling we’re wining. We lose only when we stop struggling . So how in the world do we start over – again, and again, and again? That bids the question how much is God your true desire and unutterable joy? Know that there is no such thing as too much. Know that there is no such thing as drinking too deeply from His well of living water; so there is no such thing as starting over too many times. We just have to keep pursing Him and like Jacob not let Him go until He blesses us. It’s not about how much we love Him but how much of His love for us we have tasted. His love is an ocean wide. He loves us in the midst of the struggle. I know I’m only scratching the surface of your temptation but as long as this is true, victory is yet to be had.

Sincerely,
Just a friend resolved to fighting the good fight with you

“Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me.” Micah 7:8, 9

Check out part one here!

Out of all the conversations I had at this job, there is one that is still with me to this day. There was never a question that brought about more diverse responses and reactions than the question: What is love?

After surveying my co-workers, I took the question to the customers (when management wasn’t around). I’ve compiled a list of some of the most common answers below.

When asked, “What does ‘love’ mean to you?” people responded:

“not caring”
“commitment”
“a choice”
“good sex”
“sacrifice”
“having the power”
…and many others opted not to answer.

The answers are all over the spectrum. Some are even direct contradictions of others.
Why does this one phrase mean so many things to different people? Shouldn’t something as seemingly common as the word ‘love’ be defined in such a way that everyone is in accord concerning its meaning? Does no one know the answer?!

St. John the Beloved seemed to think that he did when he wrote:

“He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:8)

Put another way, he who does not know God does not know what love is.

See, love isn’t a thing. It’s a person. It’s God.
Let’s spell it out by looking at the phrase “I love you.” Now let’s use some elementary school logic and substitute the word ‘God’ for the word ‘love’ because as previously stated, God is love.

The phrase then becomes “I God you.”

That sounds funny, I know, but think about it. Telling someone that you love them expresses your desire to put God between the two of you. It says “I’m on this side, and you’re over there – let’s live our lives in pursuit of God together. In the above phrase, pretend that man is the word ‘I’ and woman is the word ‘you.’ As they come closer and closer together, they become closer and closer to God, and eventually all three words are on top of one another.

You see, God the creator of relationships, is the ultimate example of the perfect relationship – The Trinity – Father, Son, Holy Spirit. In the same way, a relationship between a man and a woman should be a Trinity as well, meaning it should be between the man, the woman, and GOD! You cannot and will not have a successful relationship if it’s not based on and around God, and for this to even be possible, you have to know God.

There are countless stories of two individuals being hopelessly ‘in love’ with each other only to go their separate ways months or years later. Why??? Because the relationship was not about God! It did not bring Him glory! He was not in it!

Simply put, we as men have screwed up big time when it comes to loving a woman. What have we done? We’ve traded one of the most precious things that He has given us for a lie. We pollute our minds with the filth of this world when it comes to relationships. Where are the men who want to pursue and love a woman God’s way instead of basing our lives on what we’ve learned from sitcoms and the successes and failures of the stories we hear from others?!

Many chase after women solely because they think they’re hott, completely forgetting about the “hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” (1 Peter 3:4)

Many don’t know what they want and they think dating recreationally will help them figure it out.

Still, many others are stumbling around unsure of how to lead and treat a woman because they do not know God.

As you come to know God, you’ll come to know what true love is. You’ll come to understand that it’s the real deal – that you want nothing else because nothing in the world compares with it. Love isn’t a feeling. It isn’t meeting the needs of your partner. It’s sacrificing and giving of yourself to another just as God sacrificed and gave of Himself to you.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for [the ones you love]. (John 15:13)

So the next time you tell someone that you love them – understand what you are saying.