A Letter To My Teen Self: Heartache
This is a guest post.
To my teenage self,
So I guess around this time of your life you’re probably depressed and all alone waiting for someone to just look at you, notice you, want to know you. You’ve tried reaching out for help and showing a little bit of yourself to people, only to be terrified at the thought of them leaving because of what they will see. You’ve always chased after friends and people because you always give your best efforts with friends. You’ve always had that sense of duty to always check up on them and to always make time for them even if you have studying to do or a test the next day. And the pain and worthlessness you felt when no one would check up on you unless you initiated was so strong, yet you couldn’t express it. You’ve been told that you were too sensitive and you didn’t like how you felt everything much deeper than anyone else would.
Guys were never really your area of expertise. You’ve had feelings for a lot of guys, but none of them seem to have feelings for you back. After a while, you started believing that something must be wrong with you. After all, you’ve put on your best self and they still didn’t like it.
You’ve always longed for something more or someone to share thoughts or emotions with. Someone to give your everything to, someone to tell you its all going to be ok. Someone to fix you, to look at you – to really look inside – and not be afraid or run away. Your heart is aching, your spirit is downcast, you need help and don’t know why or where to turn.
In about 4 more years you’ll meet this guy, he’s a church guy, so even better, right? He’s finally here! You’ve prayed to God for someone for so long! You even told God that you’d rather wait a while until the right person comes along as long as he’s the one! And it happened! Someone who you finally get to share and give your everything to! Your thoughts, your feelings, your deepest fears, and mistakes. Sweetheart, you’re going to let this guy into the deepest part of your heart, you’re going to ignore all the signs that maybe this isn’t a good idea. You’re aware of the signs, but you’re willing to look past them and work together to fix them, because that’s what you do in relationships. It’s a partnership; you’re responsible for each other. But, we both know you have this trait that’s not exactly a good thing or a bad thing. When you fall, you fall hard – you give everything you’ve got to something. You don’t hold back. It’s all or nothing.
Well, that’s exactly what you’re going to do in that relationship. You’re going to give him everything; emotionally, physically, and mentally. And it doesn’t feel wrong or anything because that’s what you thought you’re meant to do. God was an essential part in the beginning of your relationship, but slowly, over time you lost track of Him. You started becoming more focused on him, and he became your world. Everything revolved around him. You couldn’t do anything or be upset about anything without talking to him. And let me mention that it was not easy, we both know how hard it is for you to trust someone. But, he did it! He earned that trust. He even promised he’d never leave you and said all these sweet things to you.
Well, as you turned your eyes away from Him and put it on him, desires came in and were “satisfied”. Problems came in and were “dealt with”. You were both each other’s everything for a while. And when you felt bad or distant from God, you took breaks from each other to help “focus on God.” But you couldn’t stay away; he could, but you couldn’t. And when there were problems and there was no one to turn to, then you turned to God. Everything was ok.
He told you that you made him a better person. You thought your were happy. You put him first, above all else. You tried putting him second, but you get so consumed with your emotions that you just can’t help it. This is your weakness. Well, he’s the one, right? Everything is good, right? He accepted you for who you are, and you accepted him for all he is, so what else could you ask for? Oh, did I mention that he promised he’d never ever leave you? Dude, he loves you, right?
This guy will leave you, abandon you, take away everything you ever hung on to, everything you believed, and he will do it without any gentleness or love. He will leave without a good reason. You will go crazy trying to figure out where you went wrong; what did you do wrong? Did you share too much information? Were you too dependent? Were you too ‘down’ emotionally?
You finally had someone and you gave him everything! And now everything you thought you knew meant nothing. Your emotions and your attachment had no value. You world will turn upside down. You will make yourself sick with the amount of thinking and attempting to figure out where you went wrong. You will beg and plead with him to fix this together You will change anything he wants, as long as he stays!!!
Sweetheart, your value does not depend on him. You are more than that. You are not worthless; you are the daughter of King of Kings. You need to hold yourself up in that standard. God has called you by your name and has great plans for you.
A boy who isn’t sure about what he wants even though he seemed 110% sure is not someone who is ready to be in a relationship. The reason he gave you for leaving was that God had told him so. He needs to get closer to God and he cannot manage to do that within a relationship. And that, added on more pressure and confusion to your world. What did that mean? Did that mean I’m causing him to sin? Am I taking him away from God? Am I against God? Am I God’s enemy??
It will take a bit of time until you get all the answers you need. There are still some unanswered questions, but you will realize that you don’t need to know – in fact, it doesn’t change anything.
By this happening, you were forced to seek God for comfort and answers. Your relationship with God began to heal and really start unfolding. God became (always was and will be) your Saviour, Helper, Healer, Father, and Love. You will begin to see all the sins and mistakes you have made that you were unaware of. They will haunt you and the memories will be hard to bear. But, by the grace of God you will get through it. This experience, though it was the most painful thing you have ever endured, was necessary for you to gain an incredible thing – an intimate relationship with Christ. You will find everything you need and want in God! Everything that you thought relationships were designed to fulfill is what you’re supposed to seek from God because He is love in all its fullness!
You will start to really understand what love is and you will cry at God’s act of love. There, your world will begin again with Him. You will begin to see everything from a different perspective when you’re so focused on Him! You will even thank Him everyday from saving you from a relationship that was going in the wrong direction. You will put your trust and faith in Him because God is good all the time. You will begin to see that your desire and thirst for something more is indeed satisfied by God. His power is made perfect in your weakness and you will experience that first hand. You will look back and wonder how you ever got this far. It is not by your strength (I still remember when you were sitting in your room for months crying your heart out and unable to do anything), but it is by His grace, mercy, and strength. He saved you, He carried you through. You came to Him naked and he clothed you. He gave you comfort, peace, and love.
And now, you will be careful with everything. You will find your worth in Him who created you. You will want to be so transparent just to allow others to see God through you. You will want to spread joy and love to others. You will want to talk to Him and know Him more. Because that endless thirst for something more, He’s got it. He is Love. He is gentle, calm, loving, kind, and He loves you. Draw near to Him every day, seek him in everything you do. Seek his peace and His presence daily. Whatever you do, do not stop talking to Him. You always feel His presence and His hand in the toughest times. Do not be discouraged when you don’t feel His presence. Rest in the fact that He is there and will never leave you. For real this time. He’s been there all along. You were just too stubborn to see it.
“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”