I Want To Find You
“I love you” you whisper to me. “You’re mine”. “I have a huge plan for you” you keep assuring me. “You’re special. You’re chosen. You’re sanctified.” I look to you, look straight into your eyes and see you for a split second and I feel overwhelming peace. Then you disappear.
And I feel empty and broken. I run out of my house and into the streets looking for you but you’re nowhere to be found. You’re gone. Darkness. Brokenness. Hurt. Back to square one.
I’m nervous, so overcome by fear. Every word I hear, every thought I think, every emotion I feel scares me. I think of my future and this ‘huge plan’ you’ve promised me and all I feel is hurt. I utter a few words to you and fall asleep. Waking up is what I dread… those first couple of minutes lying in bed are what get me thinking. Thinking about my future, my purpose, my calling. I feel crippled, I literally can’t move out of fear. Fear of moving forward. Fear of the future. I close my eyes and my lips are shut. Closed as if they’ve been locked. But somehow my soul sings a song of hurt. My soul whispers to you “I need you now. You promised. You promised. Don’t let go now. Don’t let me slip away like this. I need your peace.” I pray. My heart bows down. “I surrender”.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you” I hear you whisper in the faintest voice. “I do not give to you as the world gives. My peace is real. My peace is eternal. And I freely give it to you.” My heart remains bowed. Finally you’ve come back. “You’re here, you’re here!” I think to myself. I want to look to you, look straight into your eyes… then I remember. What if you disappear again? What if I’m left alone again? What if this means the cycle will restart? I think and think and think… I begin to cry, even in your presence my enemy has managed to find its way into my heart. Fear. Again.
Suddenly I feel your hand on my face and you make me look to you. I keep my eyes shut. “No more hurt. No more pain. No more.” I think to myself.
Then you wipe my tears with your hand and say with a bold voice “Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid. I give you peace. I give you courage. I give you faith. ”.
I open my eyes for the first time since you’ve entered the room and your eyes look so deeply into mine. I see Fire. I see Glory. I see Love.
I look to the palms that are holding mine and see the marks of the depth of the love you have for me. You whisper to me “a grain of wheat must fall to the ground and die before it can grow and produce much more wheat. If it never dies, it will never be more than a single seed.” I cry. You continue and say “you are Mine and I am yours. You didn’t choose me, I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last. I have a purpose for you. I will use you, but first you must die.” “Do it now! Please, please… take me now, take my life so I can be with you always… I need you. I really need you. I love you.” I cry, begging you to take me where you are.
Then you smile and pray to the father saying “I am not asking you to take him out of the world. But I am asking that you keep him safe from the Evil One. He doesn’t belong to the world, just as I don’t belong to the world. Make him ready for your service through your truth. Your teaching is truth. I have sent him into the world, just as you sent me into the world.” I understand. I know what you’re telling me. I accept your will.
You place your finger on my chest and tell me “the Spirit of truth, He will guide you into all truth my son. He will bring glory to me by taking what is mine and making it known to you. Remember you are Mine and I am yours. You’re already living eternity. The Father himself loves you because you’ve loved me. You do not realise now what I’m doing, but later you will understand. I love you.” I feel your peace. I know your truth.
Then you, my Creator, get down on your knees in my little room and begin to wash my feet and you whisper “I love you beyond measure my son.” I get down on my knees and hug you. I love you Jesus. I really do. I stay in the stillness of your arms for what seems like eternity, then you whisper “Father, I want everyone you have given me to be with me, wherever I am. Then they will see the glory that you have given me, because you loved me before the world was created.” then you stand up, walk up to my desk and pick up my Bible. You come back and present it to me open and my eyes are drawn to Isaiah 26:3. As I read it I hear you whisper “you will have perfect peace if you keep focused on me.”
You place your hands on my heart, look me dead in the eyes and proclaim with an almighty voice “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” And with that promise, you leave my room, my house…
But I no longer need to go into the streets to search for you. I am Yours and You are mine. I know where I can find you, any time of the day in any circumstance you’re here. I know you have a purpose and a plan for me. I know you will use me.
I wanted to find You but You, You found me.