Rewind to a year ago as 2016 gave way to 2017 and 2017 gave way to 2018; I was confronted by a what felt like an endless string of gut wrenching tragedies, dashed hopes and unkindness from the least expected of places. Sadness I hadn’t felt in years gripped my heart, threatening to freeze me to the bone, squeezing forcefully from it all traces of peace and courage.

I’m still raw from it all. I’m still prone to tears in the middle of the night. I’m still tired.

Sometimes shadow days turn to shadow months which snowball and avalanche into a relentless shadow year. I’m still waiting for winter to end and the snow to melt. My heart is left wondering why must this earthly life be riddled with so so so much loss and grief? How long Lord…Left with no solutions, no answer and in the absence of any feelings of warmth and bravery I have come to hardly recognise myself. Suffering has a way of stripping us naked as we confront the silence.

It is there in that silence that I have been wrestling with the question:

Who will I become after the coldest winter in a thousand freezing years?

I have spent a year flitting back and forth between answers, with no escape and no clue in the world what to do or where to go. Looking at this question and then looking at my distress and crippling disappointment of how different things should have been. “Lord, had you been here…” 

We’re told to expect trials in life when we’ve done something wrong, when something is not quite right in our relationship with God – but what happens when we feel we really did try to do what we were supposed to do, yet we are consumed by the shadow of our troubling sorrow. This is sorrow compounded by sorrow. Not only is there pain and loss but there is the crushing sense of God’s absence.

Silence and solitude can be the place of great transformation where we “struggle against the compulsions of the false self, and the encounter with the loving God who offers himself as the substance of the new self” but it can also be the most terrifying place when it feels like death and evil, are breathing down your neck, obliterating any sense of safety and comfort, and heightening the sense of inescapable frailty. Sometimes I have wrestled, other times I have taken one look at those questions, slammed the door of my heart when anger flared and smouldered and shut out the morning, all the while feeding the darkness. I don’t know what has brought me back but between grace and faithful friends that refuse to give up or go away, I find myself home again in silence and solitude, with my pain and my God.

So this season I am standing at the brink of the abyss of despair knowing all I have left is naked trust and naked hope that God is still God despite all of the evidence to the contrary, despite the agony and confusion and injustice of it all.

Can I say with Job, “Even if He slay me, yet will I trust in Him”? 

Do I turn to Christ or deny Christ (perhaps not so much with my words, but by my actions)?

Do I continue to love others or begin to blame, accuse and condemn others?

Do I become lost in self pity and never-ending reflection?

Do I thank God for all things, or do I grumble in my heart, demanding an explanation and another life?

Every difficult and painful circumstance in our life is a source of temptation. Because we are faced with a choice to say “You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You”(Job 42:2)…or to doubt Him. But with every temptation there is an opportunity.  An opportunity to grow in humility and patience.

Do I see myself as much more broken, much poorer, much more sinful and confused and clueless than I had expected?

Do I use my pain to at least strive to choose, to commit my self to God and trust in Him despite everything?

Do I see the silence and solitude as a gift to embrace, to turn death into resurrection, the gift to turn earth into heaven?

Do I remain obedient to Christs’ commands even when I feel abandoned like all this pain has somehow happened behind his back?

I am learning that who I will become after the coldest winter, begins and ends in how I answer these questions. But answering ‘yes’ boldly to those questions isn’t a given, not for me anyway. These are outright miracles – the working of grace in my life. I am humiliated and embarrassed to admit how far I’ve fallen from answering ‘yes.’ This is how, I suppose, I must learn to depend completely on the grace of God. In reality the most of what I can do is to lie down and wait. He wills my obedience despite my disappointment but if it does not always come as easily as I would like, then I remain waiting, knocking, seeking, asking – with the assurance that if I do such things I will in the end receive what I have sought. There is humility in this.

It was said that Saint Anthony had a vision of the world full of snares and traps. In a loud voice he cried out, “Lord, who can overcome these snares and traps?” A gentle voice was heard saying, “The humble.”

Rather than ask for humility, I ask God for mercy acknowledging that I am not humble, that I am not “patient in evils for His love’s sake.” If “humility is nothing but the disappearance of self in the vision that God is all” what does this mean in overcoming the traps of suffering? I offer up my pain like I offer up myself as a living sacrifice through “ardent pursuit of prayer and the outpouring of tears” knowing I am too spiritually dull to know what to do about my pain—except to beg for His help.

Humility is using our present circumstances, no matter how powerless and paralysed we feel, as an opportunity to grow in faith, hope, and love and to better serve Him and our neighbours. Perhaps this is why resting our aching spirit outside the gates of repentance when the world beckons to give us relief from our pain is the hardest part of the silence and solitude.

Humility is continuing to love Him and not forsake what He loves when we are broken, despite how unsatisfying obedience and holiness may feel, which in turn creates a place in us for peace to dwell. There is no peace when we lash out in bitterness and despondency.

Humility is trusting Christ’s tender compassion to provide not what I want but what I need, because He is a good Father. It is doing the next right thing. So putting one foot in front of the other, I find snippets of contentment and calm, I show up for the sacraments and for prayer and I show up in the every day lives of my neighbours to be a salt and a light and to share in their joys and sorrows.

Faithfulness in the midst of dying to ourselves is even more precious than joy after Christ’s Resurrection and the relief of despair. Joy and thanksgiving in tribulation, rooted in the knowledge that I am radically loved by a God who is perfecting me, may be the most precious of all, though this joy and gratitude often eludes me. I am certain in the Resurrection we will see with spiritual eyes and we will weep with understanding, remorse, relief, and immeasurable gratitude. Our shadow days will be over. Winter will end.

“Complete trust in God – that’s what holy humility is. Complete obedience to God, without protest, without reaction, even when some things seem difficult and unreasonable. Abandonment to the hands of God.” Elder Porphyrios

“For in proportion to your humility you are given patience in your woes; and in proportion to your patience, the burden of your afflictions is made lighter and you will find consolation; in proportion to your consolation, your love of God increases; and in proportion to your love, your joy in the Holy Spirit is magnified.” St Isaac the Syrian

“Instinctively we cry, “Make haste unto me.” But He does not always respond at once. Like fruit on a tree , our soul is left to scorch in the sun, to endure the cold wind, the scorching wind, to die of thirst or be drowned in the rain. But if we do not let go of the hem of His garment, all will end well.” Elder Sophrony

God saves the humble who cannot save themselves.

To my teenage self,

So I guess around this time of your life you’re probably depressed and all alone waiting for someone to just look at you, notice you, want to know you. You’ve tried reaching out for help and showing a little bit of yourself to people, only to be terrified at the thought of them leaving because of what they will see. You’ve always chased after friends and people because you always give your best efforts with friends. You’ve always had that sense of duty to always check up on them and to always make time for them even if you have studying to do or a test the next day. And the pain and worthlessness you felt when no one would check up on you unless you initiated was so strong, yet you couldn’t express it. You’ve been told that you were too sensitive and you didn’t like how you felt everything much deeper than anyone else would.

Guys were never really your area of expertise. You’ve had feelings for a lot of guys, but none of them seem to have feelings for you back. After a while, you started believing that something must be wrong with you. After all, you’ve put on your best self and they still didn’t like it.

You’ve always longed for something more or someone to share thoughts or emotions with. Someone to give your everything to, someone to tell you its all going to be ok. Someone to fix you, to look at you – to really look inside – and not be afraid or run away. Your heart is aching, your spirit is downcast, you need help and don’t know why or where to turn.

In about 4 more years you’ll meet this guy, he’s a church guy, so even better, right? He’s finally here! You’ve prayed to God for someone for so long! You even told God that you’d rather wait a while until the right person comes along as long as he’s the one! And it happened! Someone who you finally get to share and give your everything to! Your thoughts, your feelings, your deepest fears, and mistakes. Sweetheart, you’re going to let this guy into the deepest part of your heart, you’re going to ignore all the signs that maybe this isn’t a good idea. You’re aware of the signs, but you’re willing to look past them and work together to fix them, because that’s what you do in relationships. It’s a partnership; you’re responsible for each other. But, we both know you have this trait that’s not exactly a good thing or a bad thing. When you fall, you fall hard – you give everything you’ve got to something. You don’t hold back. It’s all or nothing.

Well, that’s exactly what you’re going to do in that relationship. You’re going to give him everything; emotionally, physically, and mentally. And it doesn’t feel wrong or anything because that’s what you thought you’re meant to do. God was an essential part in the beginning of your relationship, but slowly, over time you lost track of Him. You started becoming more focused on him, and he became your world. Everything revolved around him. You couldn’t do anything or be upset about anything without talking to him. And let me mention that it was not easy, we both know how hard it is for you to trust someone. But, he did it! He earned that trust. He even promised he’d never leave you and said all these sweet things to you.

Well, as you turned your eyes away from Him and put it on him, desires came in and were “satisfied”. Problems came in and were “dealt with”. You were both each other’s everything for a while. And when you felt bad or distant from God, you took breaks from each other to help “focus on God.” But you couldn’t stay away; he could, but you couldn’t. And when there were problems and there was no one to turn to, then you turned to God. Everything was ok.

He told you that you made him a better person. You thought your were happy. You put him first, above all else. You tried putting him second, but you get so consumed with your emotions that you just can’t help it. This is your weakness. Well, he’s the one, right? Everything is good, right? He accepted you for who you are, and you accepted him for all he is, so what else could you ask for? Oh, did I mention that he promised he’d never ever leave you? Dude, he loves you, right?

Wrong.

This guy will leave you, abandon you, take away everything you ever hung on to, everything you believed, and he will do it without any gentleness or love. He will leave without a good reason. You will go crazy trying to figure out where you went wrong; what did you do wrong? Did you share too much information? Were you too dependent? Were you too ‘down’ emotionally?

You finally had someone and you gave him everything! And now everything you thought you knew meant nothing. Your emotions and your attachment had no value. You world will turn upside down. You will make yourself sick with the amount of thinking and attempting to figure out where you went wrong. You will beg and plead with him to fix this together You will change anything he wants, as long as he stays!!!

Sweetheart, your value does not depend on him. You are more than that. You are not worthless; you are the daughter of King of Kings. You need to hold yourself up in that standard. God has called you by your name and has great plans for you.

A boy who isn’t sure about what he wants even though he seemed 110% sure is not someone who is ready to be in a relationship. The reason he gave you for leaving was that God had told him so. He needs to get closer to God and he cannot manage to do that within a relationship. And that, added on more pressure and confusion to your world. What did that mean? Did that mean I’m causing him to sin? Am I taking him away from God? Am I against God? Am I God’s enemy??

It will take a bit of time until you get all the answers you need. There are still some unanswered questions, but you will realize that you don’t need to know – in fact, it doesn’t change anything.

By this happening, you were forced to seek God for comfort and answers. Your relationship with God began to heal and really start unfolding. God became (always was and will be) your Saviour, Helper, Healer, Father, and Love. You will begin to see all the sins and mistakes you have made that you were unaware of. They will haunt you and the memories will be hard to bear. But, by the grace of God you will get through it. This experience, though it was the most painful thing you have ever endured, was necessary for you to gain an incredible thing – an intimate relationship with Christ. You will find everything you need and want in God! Everything that you thought relationships were designed to fulfill is what you’re supposed to seek from God because He is love in all its fullness!

You will start to really understand what love is and you will cry at God’s act of love. There, your world will begin again with Him. You will begin to see everything from a different perspective when you’re so focused on Him! You will even thank Him everyday from saving you from a relationship that was going in the wrong direction. You will put your trust and faith in Him because God is good all the time. You will begin to see that your desire and thirst for something more is indeed satisfied by God. His power is made perfect in your weakness and you will experience that first hand. You will look back and wonder how you ever got this far. It is not by your strength (I still remember when you were sitting in your room for months crying your heart out and unable to do anything), but it is by His grace, mercy, and strength. He saved you, He carried you through. You came to Him naked and he clothed you. He gave you comfort, peace, and love.

And now, you will be careful with everything. You will find your worth in Him who created you. You will want to be so transparent just to allow others to see God through you. You will want to spread joy and love to others. You will want to talk to Him and know Him more. Because that endless thirst for something more, He’s got it. He is Love. He is gentle, calm, loving, kind, and He loves you. Draw near to Him every day, seek him in everything you do. Seek his peace and His presence daily. Whatever you do, do not stop talking to Him. You always feel His presence and His hand in the toughest times. Do not be discouraged when you don’t feel His presence. Rest in the fact that He is there and will never leave you. For real this time. He’s been there all along. You were just too stubborn to see it.

Love,

“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17