After praying several years for a wife, I was married this past summer. Being newly married (almost 6 months now!) I am always eager to learn everything I can to become the best husband I can be. This usually comes in the form of devouring books, listening to different speakers teach on the topic, and learning from older married couples. More recently though, I have found value in marriage retreats.

My wife, Veronia, and I just returned from our first marriage retreat last weekend. To be honest, I was expecting something entirely different than what it ended up being. It was far from a romantic weekend away, but I wouldn’t trade what I learned for anything. In the same way the retreat was not what I imagined, the lessons I learned weren’t earth shatteringly profound either. However, it has been my experience that many times the ordinary can be extraordinary if you let it; many times the simplest truths are the ones that are the most insightful if you are willing to spend the time to look closely enough. After all, Jesus spoke in simple stories.

Throughout all of the talks there was a recurring theme: choosing how to respond to your spouse. We all think and act in different ways and this will inevitably cause tension when two people share their lives together. When communicating with your spouse, whether generally or when there’s a disagreement, you only have three options: turning away from, turning against, or turning towards your spouse.

Turning Away

This is when you don’t want to deal with the issue. It has surfaced a couple of times but every time it does you just want to avoid it so that there’s peace, or at least a counterfeit form of it. You choose not to confront the problem, and repress your emotions instead. You are tired of the disagreements and the bickering so you keep quiet on the topic and try to move on.

Turning away from your spouse is dangerous because of the two negative responses, this one seems permissible. It seems ok. At least I’m keeping the peace, you think. At least we don’t have to fight.

Sure you’re not fighting externally, but the internal struggle within yourself is fierce. Bitterness builds up. Unkind words left unspoken are thought against the other instead… until you turn against your spouse.

Turning Against

We all can picture the scene in our heads. It involves shouting and possibly actions done in anger: slamming doors, throwing things, and even physical abuse. It doesn’t always manifest in a fit of rage though; it can be sarcastic comments that wound the other deeply or disrespectful criticisms uttered to make a spouse feel small.

Turning against your spouse usually happens after a prolonged period of turning away and letting the poison of unforgiveness linger. When one person turns against the other it’s not long before the other feels the need to defend themselves, until they too succumb to attacking the person they vowed to love.

When we turn against one another we forget how our weaknesses are complemented by our spouses strengths. We wound the other and our relationship. If left on this path, two people who were initially committed to the other will feel that there’s nothing left but to leave the relationship they had a hand in destroying.

Turning Towards

This, of course, is the desired response. We need to learn to respond to our spouse by turning towards them.

Instead of neglecting the problem out of fear, you face it with courage.

Instead of talking in a harsh way wanting to be heard, you speak tenderly with love wanting to hear what’s on the other person’s heart.

This doesn’t have to involve words. The language of touch is a powerful tool. A hand placed tenderly on a knee or a gentle touch on the back can sometimes do things that many words can’t. A small gift thoughtfully placed or a small act of kindness for the other can also communicate a loving message without using words.

Turning towards the other is the hardest of the three choices because it requires humility and selflessness. You have to think of the other person’s needs and desires before your own. You have to be willing to sacrifice for the good of the other. You have to really push yourself to serve the other. It is not easy.

Thankfully, we have our entire lives together to practice and get it right.

These concepts are especially true of marriage as it is the most intimate relationship we will experience with another person, but it’s true of all our relationships: with our children, parents, siblings, friends, and even the beggar on the street.

What will you decide to do? Turn away, against, or towards?

(photo courtesy of Gable Denims)

I certainly felt emotionally secure. However, a specific part of my life began to chip away at this security. At home, mum and dad often did not seem to get on. I didn’t think much of it as a child as I assumed most people’s parents fell out from time to time. This was surely nothing I couldn’t take in my stride, I used to think. However, the problems continued to escalate. As the years went by, the division between my parents grew and it began to put a strain in the family. My younger sibling chose to distant themselves from the issue and seemed to want nothing to do with it. I didn’t have a friend close enough to speak to about it, I did not feel connected to any church or a particular priest I could open up to, and I was often made to feel that this topic was such a taboo that it should never leave the front door of the house anyway.

My original belief that I could handle anything myself was beginning to fade away, so I looked to God. “That’s what He’s there for, right?” I told myself. I love both of my parents and I knew they loved me too, wanting only the best for me. I spent years praying for God to intervene and fix their relationship. I asked Him to show me what is was that I had to do in order to play my part. I spent numerous years being the peacemaker in the house, refusing to take one side over another, and feeling too much of a sense of responsibility to detach myself from the issue completely. I refused to stop believing that with my perseverance and prayers, the problems would be resolved and one day we would finally live as a peaceful, happy family.
This day did not come. The cracks turned into gaping crevasses and after moving away to university, I found myself being the recipient of endless phone calls from each individual complaining about the other. It was taking a toll on my studies, my social life, and ultimately on my spirituality. I can recall long nights being in torment with God. I was filled with anger that after all the prayers and belief, He hadn’t come up with the goods. If anything, things were much worse than where we started.

I began to loosen my grip and reliance on Him, and slowly started to revert to my original strategy of handling it all myself. The stress of it led me to take comfort in other areas. I began to make wrong decisions at university and things began to slip. I was losing control – a concept that was previously so alien to me. I had blocked out everyone in my life, including God, refusing to listen to Him. I only had myself to contend with and for the first time, felt truly alone. This broke me. In all of my efforts to try and restore my family, I found myself with nobody.

In my fourth year at university, something within me revved me to get up and make a change. I was not content in staying in this slumber. I loathed self-pity and knew deep down that although I had turned my face away from God, He was still the only one that could change things. In my depths lurked a voice that kept telling me to look at Him and listen one more time to what He had to say.
I got myself back into church; one that I had frequented during my time at university, but never made an effort to get fully involved with. I chose to make a conscious effort to get to know the people there and engage with the community. There was instant gratification. I quickly found a friend I was confident to open up with, pretty much from our first meeting. I had never done anything like this before, but it felt so comfortable. It was amazing to unload to someone who was essentially a stranger. They helped me to start making steps towards the right track and made me feel welcomed in the group. I was wary of revealing my secrets to anyone else, still believing that I was an outsider with a shameful background. I could not have been more wrong. I quickly learnt that I was not the only Copt to have come from a far from perfect family, and was soon able to confide in someone that had been through something very similar.

Through further involvement in the church, I attended my first conference and heard a quote that truly resonated within me;

“The almost impossible thing is to hand over your whole self to Christ… but it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead” C.S. Lewis

I realised that striving to maintain full control of each aspect of my life was foolish, and it was essential that I hand over the reins to my life to Him. I must put Him firmly in the driving seat.

For a long time I knew that the situation at home was my cross to bear, and that I must carry it. However, I had no clue how to carry it. For a great deal of time I wondered what it was that I practically needed to do. I would often find myself being put in situations with my parents, being forced to balance my time equally between them so as not to make one upset that I was picking a side. I often wanted to take a step back and distance myself from the whole situation, but I felt overwhelmed with guilt and the sense of selfishness. Was putting them before myself and my own happiness how I was meant to carry my cross? These questions were so simply answered by my friend who had gone through a similar situation, and who I had previously confided in:

I needed to make sure that whatever I do, it was according to the will of God. I must keep God in my heart and that is who I should aim to please. Only He will satisfy my longing for happiness.

I realised how much I had complicated my life when I tried to work out what I needed to do, alone, not considering His will in my decision making.

This realisation has brought me so much peace.

Through all of the struggles and the anger that I felt towards God, I have learnt that it was all for my benefit. I wanted to work out how to carry my cross with minimal struggle, but instead I have been shown how to live with peace in my heart. I have learnt the true meaning of love and grace.

I longed for a family, and He has blessed me with an entire Church.

So without further ado, here are 6 Questions Every PK Gets Asked (and my answers!):

1. “Erm…..so I don’t want to embarrass you or anything….and it’s TOTALLY cool if you don’t want to answer but I’ve always wondered about this…and seriously you don’t have to answer if you’re not allowed…. but…. does Abouna wear pyjamas?”

Yes. Priest’s sleep in normal p-jays just like everyone else. In the summer he might even….wait for it….wear a T-Shirt at home! #wild

2. “Is your dad allowed to go swimming?”

Priests can swim, play football, run a marathon and jump on a trampoline. The Church recognises that he’s a husband and a father… so yes he’s allowed to have fun! Some priests might prefer not to swim, some might not like swimming and others might prefer swimming in a private setting (….and maybe some are scared of sharks… you never know, the possibilities are endless!)

3. “Does Abouna get stared at on the street?”

Yep. I’ve lived in Egypt and in the UK and I definitely feel that in the West, dad gets stared at alot more. Simply because people are very unfamiliar and confused by his look. The remarkable thing is the confidence, peace and strength God grants to Abounas in order to witness to His name and preach His existence so bluntly and openly..

4. “What presents can you buy Abouna?”

This is honestly one of the greatest mysteries of the world. As we all know, the clothing side of presents is just a bit restricted and generally Abounas have a multitude of every kind of spiritual book you can imagine … so PKs have to learn to be very creative! For some reason I feel that the older I get the harder this is becoming!

5. “Do you confess to your dad?”

Personally, I don’t – I don’t like the idea of telling my dad everything I’ve ever done wrong… For so many years I assumed that every single PK had the same mentality but I met an incredible PK in 2012 who told me that he loved confessing to his dad because he really wanted to do everything in his power to view God as his Father – and confessing to his own dad made him really feel the shame of his sin before both his biological and his Heavenly father, and motivated him to stop repeating the same sins… I’m still in awe of this person and I admire and respect them for that choice immensely.

6. “What’s it like having your dad as a priest?”

Honestly, it’s the best! I believe that my family is so blessed because of the man in our lives that has decided to forsake all to serve The Lord. Of-course sometimes it’s a bit difficult because you’re exposed to a lot of stuff that other church kids might not be exposed to… but it’s always the coolest thing to know that your dad is God’s messenger and a representative of Our Lord Jesus in the Church.

I hope you enjoyed this little fun post! The main message I want you to remember is that Abouna is an ordinary human like you and I. There’s no reason to be scared of him, be super shy around him or feel that you can’t be yourself in his presence. He jokes, gets nervous, laughs, cries and loves – just like all of us.

So pray for your Abouna and spend time getting to know the real man behind that beautiful voice in your Sunday Liturgy!

I’ll leave you with my favourite PK question to date… you can come up with the answer yourself for this one…

7*: “You know how you’re Abouna’s son…. are you allowed to wear shorts?”