And there’s a seam in my heart, one I trace back to spending hours pouring my soul over, needle to thread, weaving through all the truths I believed I must live, and all the expectations that would keep my life neat, keep it tidy. Because who longs to live a messy life displaying only rugged edges and pulled out threads all over? Yet with every stitch, it feels like I closed the hollow in my ears, unable to hear, sealed the passion burrowing in me, unable to live. For to be fully alive, is to be wholly attentive to the Voice that calls you into being, and to allow the flame inside you to burn as fierce and as loud as the Voice.

There is a song bottled in the heart, a beautiful symphony that awakens the soul to live out audaciously. We stifle the lyrics through finance-focused careers, pleasing those around us and masking who we are that we may be accepted. Yet every Word calls for embracing the unknown, to live day by day, uncalculated, unplanned, radically obedient. And in that radical obedience, a radical defiance to all the suppose-to-do and the should-do’s, shaking off every expectation we claimed as our own.

In our desperation to stitch our frayed seams to picture perfection we neglect the tell tale signs of the thread as it pierces our fabric. So when there comes a day when the thread snaps and the material wears thin from carrying a weight it was never meant to bear, what will the mark the needle left tell? There is the thread I stitch with, the thread of performance, perfectionism, scarcity and of comparison. The thread of lies, insecurities and of living for the applause that never seems to arrive. The thread that tightens and holds the fabric is the very thread that tangles us into an insolvable knot.

There is an otherworldly thread. This thread like the ECG on a monitor is the thread that does not tie but flows, as a steady thrum of a heartbeat bursting from our chest, chasing the truth planted in our hearts and  bursting the seams of what is ordinary or expected. This thread is the thread of no seams, no limits, no bounds, no man made edges. This thread does not try to tuck in the chaos inside our world of sadness neatly away. Chaos is with the fabric, every fabric you’ll find it embedded in the fibres; otherworldly fibres that connect our spirit to the Spirit of God. For it is His Kingdom that lies within. It is His Kingdom that fills.

Sometimes my heart aches; am I really free? Do I live free or do I live confined to social and cultural expectations? Perhaps even my very own expectations. Often the well beaten path seems like the only option, when your feet are unsteady and choices seem heavy. But maybe all it takes is to open up your eyes and look beyond these sheltered gardens to see  there is a whole forest out there beckoning you to explore its acres.

I’m beginning to understand that God has given us our passions for a reason. They are chosen and they are precious. We are not meant to be smoldered. Smoldered, by the piles of to do lists and meaningless business, obligations and “should dos”. Because what if there really is no “should” in life? Could the words of Esther, “Perhaps this is the moment for which I have been created” (Esther 4:14) hold true in each and every moment?

I believe we are made for adventure; we are made for more.

May we live zealously with purpose, realizing that every choice is a stroke of paint in the picture He is painting of our lives.

May we stop living as prisoners of all the should-do’s.

May we choose to stop calculating our every step.

May we allow the melody to rise, that we may unashamedly burst at the seams.

Co-written with Monica

(Photo courtesy of Mykola Lunov)

But though I read gratitude, I sense discontentment. Though joy is spoken of, I feel the bitter sting beneath the words. Single Christian women or frustrated Christian women? Does a difference even exist, or are these states of being synonymous?

To read but a few, one thing rings loud; justification. Justification, everywhere. But whoever said singleness demanded justification? Must we find reason for the gifts bestowed upon us by the Giver? Will we question that which He has given us as if He robbed us of every good thing?

Too many of us walk around with a mask of contentment, a mask of declaration that “I’m single because I am satisfied with God.” And while our hearts ring with sincerity, frustration takes us captive, as within us we also desire to be known and deeply loved by a man. While our lips say “I kissed dating good-bye” our hearts say “I’m dying to date.” As we utter “I’m using my singleness to serve God,” inside we burn of “I can’t wait for this season to be over so I can be with someone.”

And as your mind takes in these words of mine, you eagerly expect correction, a rebuke of this way of life. But, beloved sister, this is not another singles blog. This is not another façade of singleness.

The truth is many of us are single. At the same time, many of us desire to be married one day. And at the same time, many of us desire to live a godly life serving our Maker.

But deep within our Christian books and Christian communities, a serpent sneaked in and caused this deception. This deception that in our singleness we should be entirely satisfied and that if we feel a longing for a man, there’s something terribly wrong with us because our entire fulfillment should be in God.

It is this that I am compelled to rectify.

Whoever said being a godly woman meant denying our girlish notions and excitement of being loved? Because the God I serve, His very essence is love. So that which I long for most is His love. Yet this does not reprimand my longing for a man’s love.

It was not good for Adam to be alone. But surely, Adam had it all? Did he not walk with God and have the purest most intimate relationship with Him? So the question that stirs within me is, “Why was God not enough for Adam? Why was it not good for Adam to be alone?”

Now it cannot be assumed that Adam was not satisfied with God. Adam had no complaint; he did not request a companion. His pleasure was being in union with God, yet God said it was not good for him to be alone. And so Eve He formed, and declared that the making of male and female was very good.

God created Adam for community, just like He Himself is One but a community; Father, Spirit, Son. Alone, Adam was not said to have been created in His image:

“in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Genesis 1:27

Thus, His image is displayed in the creation of both male and female. And so no matter how satisfied Adam was with God, this does not deter from the fact that He was created to be with a woman.

Often, guilt parades in our hearts for the feelings within us because, supposedly, godly women must only desire God. The fuel that feeds our guilt and queries are the abundance of Christian articles and books on such topics. We have the world pushing God out and emphasizing relationships, whilst Christians condemn our longings and demand only God, but inside of me comes this realization and I cry out, praying that every woman can breath this and live this and rejoice in this:

We can be satisfied with God in our singleness and long for relationship with a man. One does not contradict the other.

So, my beloved sister, yes you are single, and yes I see your joy in Him, but deny not those desires that root deep within you. You need not justify your singleness. You need not justify your longing to be listened to, held and loved by one man. You need not deny your love for cute love stories and your excitement at the prospect of your own God-orchestrated story. You are a woman, made from man, entitled to your own female thoughts, feelings and tendencies.

You are a woman.

Let yourself be one.